From 8/27/04
*Today's topic is part of what we cover in the workshop "Speak Out: Confidence Presenting to 1 or 100", which will be held
on Tuesday, Sept. 14th. For more information on the program, visit www.getconfidencenow.com and click on "Calendar of Events".*
One way to build your confidence when it comes to making presentations is to be crystal clear about your reasons for being
in front of your audience. Whether you're in a sales call, fielding a call from a prospect, a client appointment or making
a presentation to more than one person, be clear about what outcome you're intending.
Here are 4 basic categories to factor in when clarifying your intentions.
1) Getting to Know You - Fabienne Fredrickson (www.clientattraction.com) refers to this as the "Know, like and trust factor".
If this is a sales call, first contact with someone, or an opportunity to let your client know you more deeply, it is a chance
to build rapport. Remember: it is about giving them the chance to get an experience of being with you. A potential client
will be focused on how they feel about you as a person - body language, what you say, eye contact, etc. all factor in. They
are considering what it will be like to interact with you going forward.
2) Educating and Improving: This is about empowering your client by giving them knowledge, tools and strategies that will
allow them to solve a problem, make more money, improve their life or business. The focus is on your client and the effectiveness
of your communication is key. They will have a chance to see how you can help them advance in their life or business.
3) Creating Value by Bringing Relief: This, too, is about focusing on engaging your potential or current client about their
struggles and how you can provide solutions through your services. This can come in the form of content, knowledge, useable
strategies, tools, and resources. It is your chance to let your client know how you can lighten their load and bring relief.
4) Asking for The Business: What future interaction are you asking for or offering? You could be asking for new business
in the form of referrals, additional business with your client, or offering new knowledge or tools.
What you must know first and foremost is what your goals are with relation to each of these categories every time you're making
client contact. You may even find when going through this process that you have already been incorporating all of these factors
in when you interact with people. If not, this will help you gain clarity on getting and giving the most value in your interactions.
At the workshop, I'll be going over tips on how and when to incorporate these four tools.
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From 8/3/04
Reward Yourself
Building up your confidence, taking risks and going after what you want can create a high level of anxiety. Just like going
to the dentist (you feel so much better when it's over) stretching yourself in this way almost always leaves you feeling glad
you did it when you're done.
Take the time to acknowledge yourself when you've taken that kind of a risk. Let the people around you (maybe those on your
support team?) know when you're facing an important event or milestone, and invite them to support you going in, and to celebrate
with you when you've finished. Building pleasure and celebration into the process of risk taking will begin to make the journey
easier over time.
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Try this:
Start by making a list of 15 to 20 rewards, that range in cost:
$0 (taking a luxurious bubble bath, reading for an hourLow-cost (a pedicure, fresh flowers for your home)
Mid-cost (a massage, dinner with a friend or loved one)
Higher cost (a vacation, a piece of jewelry).
Examples:
My father recently completed a big project arranging the music for a cast album recording. I coached him to decide ahead
of time on a reward for himself, one that would commemorate his accomplishment and that he would enjoy on a regular basis.
During the summer, I take Friday through Monday off every other weekend off to go to the beach. It's my reward to myself
for staying on course all year, and it helps me increase my productivity during the rest of the week.
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Now that you have a sense of how you'll reward yourself, look at the goals you have, perhaps the steps you've been procrastinating
about, and make a promise to yourself to get three of them done by months end - and know which of your rewards you'll be giving
yourself! Making the journey more pleasurable can help you cover more ground.
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From 7/15/04
Worst Case Scenario
Who loves to take risks? Who loves to fail? Who handles disappointment with grace? Not me, that's for sure. I'm risk averse,
no doubt about it. So how do I try something new if I'm fearful that things won't work out? Over the years, there have been
many times I've opted just not to try in the first place. But as time marches on, I'm no longer willing to let life pass
me by.
There's a saying: You rarely regret the things you did in life, it's what you didn't do that you regret.
For me, the biggest obstacle to taking risks is fear of disappointment. When I want something, it takes on a life of its own
and my anticipation builds. I'm very good at pretending. I'm cool and collected, but truth be told, the more blasé I am
about something, the more I care.
Try This:
What matters to you? What dream or goal do you keep at arms' length? Think about the ways you talk to yourself about it.
How do you know you want it? What's keeping you from going for it?
Now that you've identified one (or more) of your dreams, try this:
I call this the "Worst Case Scenario" tool. When faced with the possibility that something you really want may not happen,
or thinking about pursuing a new endeavor or situation that has an element of uncertainty in it, see how you feel about proceeding
if you first prepare yourself for failure, disasters or disappointment ahead of time. I refer to this as taking it to "Defcon
5" -super-red-alert. Imagine the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen, everything that could go wrong. Once you've
put your finger on the absolute worst thing that could happen, back up from there imagining what else could go wrong.
Then, write out two to three contingency plans for each disaster/failure in the event it were to happen. After spending time
dealing with your concerns this way, how likely do they seem to happen in the first place? Do your plans give you strategies
to deal with what might happen? Are you feeling more confident about your ability to handle things?
Here's an example from my life:
I have had my own business since 1989, a private practice as a Teacher of the Alexander Technique. In 1992, I started offering
Personal Coaching, and in 1996, I trained in CranioSacral Therapy, adding those services along the way. At the end of 1997,
I left my part-time job, which was providing supplemental income. I knew I had x number of dollars in the bank, and I gave
myself a year to run my practice and not work outside my business. I had been working at a job since I was 17, and decided
I could take this sabbatical from the work-force to focus on what I loved most. I also determined to watch my monthly cash
flow, and if I felt I was depleting my savings too quickly, I would go back and add supplemental income working for someone
else at a job.
I literally said to myself: "What's the worst thing that could happen?" I will make no income, and after one or two months
of living off my savings, I'll go out and get a job. I will cut my living expenses, get a room-mate if I have to. And if
things really don't work out, I'll move back home to my parents' house. I can always get a job at Barnes and Noble, or babysit
or join the Army or the Peace Corps. I'll find a way to survive.
To this day, when I feel my anxiety rising about my business (or anything else), I ask myself the same question: "What's
the worst thing that could happen?" It's my way of creating the urgency of a crisis while I still have choices. It allows
me to get creative, develop contingency plans, and to feel like I have the ability to deal with what life may bring before
I'm up against the wall.
Please note: I tend to have a lot of confidence in my ability to handle what life has to put in front of me. When I dream
that my car goes off a bridge, I don't wake up - I get the window open and I swim to shore. When I dream that I'm vicariously
balanced on a high tower or bridge that's swaying and falling, I manage to find the stares and climb down to solid ground.
I don't know if my ability to plan has seeped into my unconscious, or if the fact that I do feel this level of trust in myself
informed me in using this tool to manage my fear about taking risks.
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From 6/22/04
What do I have to give up to get where I want to be?
What do I have to give up to get where I want to be? Or: What do I have to give up to want to be where I am?
This week's tip is a 2-for-1. Plus, if that doesn't get you a useful result, I've added a bonus tip. Enjoy!
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There are times when my goals are driven by my vision, my true values. There are other times when I am being "run" by old
ideas, other people's voices, or some outdated version of who I am. How can I tell the difference? How do I know whether
to push through resistance to bring myself toward something that will truly be in alignment with who I am? How do I know when
I'm chasing a phantom, merely going after something I think I'm supposed to want, be, do, or have - and creating suffering
in the process?
Here are two lenses through which to view your vision, your goals. After trying on both you may have more clarity about what
is true for you and where to direct your energies.
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PART 1: What do I have to give up to get where I want to be?
Sometimes, something I know I really want seems to move farther and farther away from me the more I go after it. I'm left
feeling frustrated, and comparing myself to the people around me. If someone achieves something that I wanted, I find myself
envious and angry with myself for not making it happen for me.
When I'm in that space, feeling I let myself down and didn't reach out for something I wanted, I start to look at what can
change so I'm taking concrete actions towards getting what I say I want.
***
Try this:
Look at where you are and where your vision wants to guide you. Ask: What do I have to give up in my present to make room
for my future to come to me. This is sometimes referred to as the vacuum law. Until I make space, there is no room for that
which I desire to come near me.
Example: I have been wanting to let go of some weight for a good 5 years. Until this April, I had packed away the clothes
I used to fit into and was waiting to lose the weight and fit back into them. After an image consultation in March, I saw
how I was holding onto the clothes with the idea of going back to where I was to fit into them. I realized I couldn't go
back in time to when I wore those clotehs. I had to let go of my past self-image in order to move into a future version of
me. 6 weeks after clearing out the clothes, something shifted and the weight has been coming off. In only 7 weeks, I've
gone down a full size. I had to let go of my old self image and literally my clothing.
You can use this tool to look at behavior (I gave up sleeping til 9 am in order to have a more productive day and be more
effective at marketing), actual physical things (see example above) or belief systems (I used to "be shy" and didn't like
to go to social or business functions. As I learned to be more proactive and initiate conversations and contact, I really
enjoy the interaction and it provides me with a sense of being part of community.)
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PART 2: What do I have to give up to want to be where I am?
As summer approaches, my schedule is lightening up. This creates anxiety, so two summers ago I decided to declare that I
am taking the summer off. (I do see clients, and my mind-set is that I'm on vacation.) This mindset frees me to be present
to enjoy the time in my schedule, to nurture myself, to brainstorm about what I'd like to have show up in my life, and to
make the most of a great situation.
What do I have to give up to want to be with the circumstances? Anxiety, fear, and self-judgment about not working hard.
One thing I've come to know about myself is that I don't like to struggle, force, suffer or create pain for myself in any
way. I'm very skillful at creating those very things. How can I give them up? I ask "What's mine; who does this belong
to."
I have been looking in particular at the idea of being successful. I don't feel driven, I feel grateful for what I have,
and yet I often find this nagging voice telling me I've got to be successful; I haven't lived up to my potential; I'm an underachiever.
I recently realized when and how I had internalized that voice. (No, it wasn't my parents. They are very supportive and
allowing of most all of my life choices. I never felt pressured by them to follow any particular economic or professional
trajectory. They had room for me to find what I enjoyed and was suited for.) When I was in sixth grade, my English teacher
told my mother I was Yale/Harvard material at the parent/teacher conference. In my senior year of high school, I was accepted
into the theater department at Adelphi University. My classmates reported to me that the faculty were commenting "Why is
Brooke going there? Why isn't she going to a better school?" Just remembering that has been very freeing. Whenever I talk
about my work and my life, I feel so fortunate to have the abundance of pleasure, fun and freedom that I do. Having more
money is fine, but not at the expense of my day to day quality of life.
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Try this: Look at the gap between where you are and where you think you are supposed to be. (Earning x $, should be earning
y $. In this profession, should be in that profession. Weigh this, should weigh that. Live here, should live there.)
Where, when, from whom did you internalize the value that tells you where you are supposed to be? Now look at where you are
and which of your own values is reflected by this? Choosing to be where you are can be a relief.
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BONUS TIP (Thanks Kim!): Sometimes, things aren't so clear and you won't be able to sort them out with tools like those above.
In that case, try what I call the "What have I got to lose? Nothing!" approach.
Last week, my coach, Kim DeYoung, gave me a fabulous tool for choosing what to do next. She said "If you have a curiosity
about it, you owe it to yourself to take the next step, to find out if this is something you want." With each step, if you
still have curiosity, take the next step.
I also refer to this as the "eating the elephant one bite at a time" approach.
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