How to Throw a Fireball

fig. 1

fig. 2

fig. 3

fig. 4

fig. 5

*all photos by Cindy Sheffield Michaels

Throwing fireballs is fun and easy. Plus it's a great way to impress your friends at parties while simultaneously burning off those nasty carbs. With just a little knowledge in the art of chi flow and a “can do” attitude anyone can experience the joy of this wonderful past time. With this easy to follow step-by-step guide, you too can throw a fireball. And, boy, it does come in handy when you’re jumped by a rival gang of ninjas on your way to the market!


1) Preparation

Can you throw a fireball? Yes you can! However to fully enjoy this fine art, one    must ready the mind and body first. So, believe you can throw a fireball and you will throw a fireball. Dig?


2) Focusing Chi

Have you ever been embarrassed? You know like when you burp loudly at a sales meeting, accidentally drop the “f-bomb” in front of your grandma, or wake up after a night of heavy partying only to find the word “balls” written on your forehead. Remember the shame you felt and how you bundled it all into a malignant little ball of hate buried so deep inside your psyche that you had to pay some dude two hundred bucks an hour to dig it out? Well, that little ball is useful. In fact, those wacky Easterners call it chi, and it’s necessary to the fireball throwing process. So call up all those childhood traumas-the bare-assed spankings, the wedgies, the fat kid jokes- and focus it together. Let’s make a fireball!


3) Harnessing Chi

Got your little ball of shame and anger? Good. Let that little bugger burn. Feel it rise from the depths of your bowels, up through your chest, and let it lump in your throat. After a brief rest send all that chi out through your arms and into the palms of your hands. Be sure to be striking a somewhat convincing martial arts pose. If you’re doing this step correctly, you should notice a slight ethereal glow emitting from your gestured hands (see fig. 1).


4) Let the fireball grow

Sweet talk your little ball of fire. Encourage it. Give it love. Let it grow. Heck, give it a cutesie baby-talk name if you think it may help. Come on little ball of flaming wraith, daddy loves you! (see fig. 2) Caution: Do not overindulge in the sweet talk and avoid taunting the newly formed plasma. Doing so could result in a highly undesirable manicure or temporary loss of feeling in the arms, wrists, hands and buttocks.


5) Aim and Release

Lookie there. Firey death waiting to be released upon the world. Good for you. Now adjust your aim towards your impending target and slowly bring back your palms to release the hovering fireball (fig. 3). Watch those thumbs, and be sure to make a mean face.


6) Projecting the Fireball

Now that you’ve successfully released the fireball, you must motivate it to rapidly approach your target or foe. The loud use of scary words such as “hadoken” or phases such as “sonic boom” tends to provoke the ball into rapid flight directly away from the screamer. Be sure to break a slight “Mona Lisa smile” (fig. 4) to let the fireball know that you’re not really angry. You wouldn’t want a ball of energy with half the heat of the sun to be carrying any emotional baggage.


7) Congratulations 

If you’ve followed the preceding steps closely, you should have a healthy fireball    similar to fig. 5. Congratulations, you’ve thrown a fireball. Now doesn’t that feel great? Of course it does! Let's do it again. Look out ninjas!


Note: Colors of individual fireballs will vary due to numerous circumstances (i.e. different childhood trauma, age of thrower, time of day, numbers of balls thrown, amount of beans consumed, etc.). This website is not responsible for fireball related death, injury, or property damage. Use moderately and at your own risk.

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