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This is a sample of an edited document.  Because I was not able to speak with this client as I reviewed and edited her draft, I explained certain of my changes in writing. Each of these explanations is reflected by a bracketed notation and can be viewed in full text at the bottom of the sample.
When you and I are working on a document, we'll be talking as I edit so we can discuss the changes as we go along. And if you can be online with your computer and talk on the phone at the same time, you can also see my computer screen as the changes are being made. This unique interactive editing process is both efficient and enjoyable.

[JK1]  I have always enjoyed sharing my knowledge with others. A major reason for my choice of elementary education as a profession was the realization that as an educator I would be inspired to continue my own learning.  Summer vacations have provided a great opportunity for me to broaden my cultural awareness through travel. I have been able to pass this greater appreciation of other cultures on to my students.   I am now ready to further expand my own knowledge and experience in an academic setting.  My desire is to join[JK2]  a community of teachers and learners who share my interests and will encourage my continued intellectual development.  My intermediate goal is to work in the field of geographical research for several years while earning my doctorate. Then, I would like to return to my first[JK3]  love, teaching, this time at the university level.

Throughout my teaching experience I have worked closely with the children of immigrant families from Mexico, Guatemala, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Israel, and Russia.  I have also taught an ESL [JK4] class to adults from Mexico.  While teaching, I would often wonder about the circumstances brought these families so far from their birthplaces. In some cases I was fortunate enough to be able to learn of these circumstances. These intimate encounters  stimulated[JK5]  my interest in human migration.

From an early age I have understood that the world is full of diverse and interesting people whom I should meet and learn about for myself.  My uncle, who had been in the Peace Corps in Malaysia, fascinated me by speaking and writing five languages.  He spent all of his free time traveling the world. He would send [JK6]  me a gift from each of his stops.  My high school geography teacher had been to most of the places she described and she brought into our classes artifacts and pictures from her trips.  When I would hold these  treasures in my hand, I would wonder what it would be like to be a young person in that part of the world.  But what captivated me most were their stories of the intriguing people they encountered and whose lives were so different from my own. 

The influences of my uncle and my teacher have prompted me to travel frequently and widely.  I completed a summer program in Querétaro, Mexico, studying Spanish and archeology.  The following summer I went back to central Mexico for another month to visit friends and some of the places I had missed the year before.  Later, I returned and spent a month in Cuernavaca attending a language school.  On shorter trips I have visited Monterrey, Bustamante, Nuevo Laredo, Boquillas, and Juarez.  All of these excursions have contributed to my appreciation of the rich and distinct culture that is only hours away from my home.

I have also toured Europe.  On my first visit I explored England, Ireland, Italy, Austria, and the Czech Republic.  I traveled slowly, and though I felt I got to know the places I visited, I felt a bit too much like a tourist.  I realized that I want a deeper and more meaningful exposure to these cultures.  I do not just want to see things. I want to know why people, throughout the world, are the way they are.  What is it about their environment and culture that influences them?  I had to make another expedition to seek the answers to my questions.  For my second visit to Europe I spent six weeks traveling in the Slovak Republic and Poland and another week revisiting the Czech Republic.  Before the trip I cultivated close friendships with native-born residents through letters and e-mail.  By knowing people who could share their lives and history with me I found my trip that summer to be much more rewarding. [JK7] 

These travel experiences and my work with immigrant families have helped to shape my research interests, which include, but are not limited to, the interactions between humans and their environments and their adaptations as they migrated.[JK8] 

At present, a specific research interest of mine is comparison of educational outcomes between Latin American immigrants and Asian immigrants in the U.S.  I am curious to know which cultural tenets carry over and what effect they have on the children as learners in a new country.  Also, I question whether student achievement is completely dependent on familial rearing or whether it is influenced strongly by the quality of bilingual/ESL [JK9] education the student receives.[JK10] 

 In order to better prepare myself for the graduate program in geography, I have enrolled in Introduction to Geographical Information Systems and Introduction to Cultural Geography for the spring of 2004[JK11] .  I have also enrolled in Conversational Italian II, which is my second foreign language. Spanish is my first. 

The wealth of erudition and resources in cultural geography at the University of Texas impresses me greatly. I feel Dr. Skop’s Age of Migration, Dr. Davies’ The Modern American City, and Dr. Knapp’s Latin America: Culture, Environment and Development will support me in focusing my research interests for my Master’s thesis.

  I am eager to learn at the Department of Geography. I hope, also, that I can contribute through my own travels and experiences.[JK12] 

 Please do not hesitate to call me if you should have any questions regarding my application.



 [JK1]I urge that we start with a positive statement.

 [JK2]Again, a more positive statement.

 [JK3]This change adds a personal touch – I hope you are comfortable with it.

 [JK4]I don’t recognize this term. Unless you are sure your readers will understand it, I suggest you state it in words.

 [JK5]Your word was “peaked”. At first it struck me as being too mechanical. I experimented with “heightened” and “aroused” but ended up with stimulated…which do you prefer?

 [JK6]I stumbled over “siblings and me” and decided just to delete the reference to your siblings as unnecessary for this presentation.

 [JK7]Did you meet any of these people during your travels? If so, I think saying so would add greatly to the interest of this paragraph.

 [JK8]I condensed and, hopefully, focused the description of your interests.

 [JK9]AHA! English as a second language! Still, I’d spell it out.

 [JK10]I’ve left this paragraph in although I think it is a diversion from your interest in cultural geography. Wouldn’t this interest be better pursued in the education department? Please consider just leaving the paragraph out. I think the rest will flow better toward a strong conclusion.

 [JK11]Is the identity of the college important?  I thought it complicated the sentence.

 [JK12]Your travel experiences are a very strong point in your favor. So, lets finish on a strong note.

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