I have written about listening and communicating in the past and I want to add to what has already been said. In 1 Corinthians 7:3 Paul writes, "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband." Part of this is communications and understanding.

Experts tell us that a man expresses his affection through the things he does. Things like getting up early Saturday morning and mowing the lawn, repairing bikes, working on the remodeling of the basement and so on. And yet, he most often receives no tangible appreciation for these things he does, usually not so much as a thanks. A man needs the feedback that what he does is appreciated and is recognized as his expression of affection.

The everyday, mundane things that a woman does, cooking, laundry, house keeping and such, are done out of love as well. The man in her life needs to recognize and appreciate her efforts. She goes through, day after day, week after week, usually without so much as a thanks. The guys should try to accept and appreciate her efforts and recognize them as an expression of her affection.

These things are non-verbal communications of affection, but there is a need for more than that.

Experts also tell us that a woman perceives affection by receiving words. A woman wants to connect with her significant other through the sharing of self. She, sharing with him her plans, hopes, dreams and feelings. And she wishes for him to share with her his plans, hopes, dreams, and feelings. However, this sharing can only happen if both individuals feel safe in their relationship with the other.

When we are trying to share ourselves with others it must be received in an accepting, uncritical, understanding, loving way. A husband screws up his courage and shares with his wife that he is uncomfortable in a certain situation. When she tells him he shouldn’t feel that way or begins to question his motives for his feeling, he will begin to shut down because she is rejecting his feelings. As one man said, "I don’t need this, it’ll be a cold day in a very warm place before I try that again." From then on he will stoically keep his feeling to himself rather than face such rejection again.

Ladies, has your husband/boy friend shut down because you could not accept his feelings in an understanding, uncritical, loving way? Is it that he does not feel safe in sharing these kinds of things with you?

The same holds true for a wife sharing her feelings with her husband. She may share that she feels left out when he does a certain thing. He must not become defensive or hostile. She is sharing a feeling. She may only wish him to understand that she feels that way, and nothing may need to be done about it. He should receive her feeling in an accepting, uncritical and loving way.

Guys, has your wife/girl friend turned a little cold? Is she unwilling to share herself with you? Could it be that you have rejected her feelings and she has begun to shut down?

Intimacy begins by sharing ourselves, who we are, what we hope and dream, and our feelings. If we do not feel safe in this sharing, intimacy cannot happen. Love may well starve to death. We can renew that security by accepting what is shared in that accepting, uncritical, loving, and understanding way.