I keep coming back to one verse in Paul’s Epistle to the Ephesians: "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33 NKJV)

There is a very specific reason for this and the best explanation I have found was in a small book called, "For Women Only, What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn. What I will share with you is found at the beginning of Chapter 2.

"YOUR LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH — Why Your Respect Means More to Him than Even Your Affection.

When I (Shanti Feldhahn) was a year or two out of college, I went on a retreat that profoundly impacted my understanding of men. The theme of the retreat was ‘Relationships,’ which as you can imagine was of great interest to a group of single young adults.

For the very first session, the retreat speaker divided the room in half and placed the men on one side, women on the other.

‘I'm going to ask you to choose between two bad things,’ he said. ‘If you had to choose, would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world OR would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?’

I remember thinking, What kind of choice is that? Who would ever choose to feel unloved?

The speaker then turned to the men's side of the room. ‘Okay, men. Who here would rather feel alone and unloved?’

A sea of hands went up, and a giant gasp rippled across the women's side of the room.

He asked which men would rather feel disrespected, and we women watched in bemusement as only a few men lifted their hands.

Then it was our turn to answer and the men's turn to be shocked when most of the women indicated that they'd rather feel inadequate and disrespected than unloved.

While it may be totally foreign to most of us women, the male need for respect and affirmation --especially from his woman -- is so hardwired and so critical that most men would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate. . . "

My conclusion is that men need respect and affirmation and women need love and companionship. Not to the exclusion of love or respect for either gender, it is just what is more important. When Mrs. Feldhahn began constructing a survey, she asked this question, "Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer? Would you rather feel...? [Choose One Answer]

1. Alone and Unloved

2. Inadequate and Disrespected"

This was her observation: "When I originally tested the survey questions, I was perplexed that many men had a hard time answering the "unloved versus disrespected" question -- because they appeared to equate the two. . . The survey-design expert, warned me that might happen. Why? I wondered. Those are two totally different things! Then one of my readers tested my survey questions on ten men who didn't know me. When I got the surveys back, only one note was attached: "A lot of the guys fussed over Question 3 [the question above]. They did not feel the choices were different."

Finally, the lightbulb came on: If a man feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved. And what that translates to is this: If you want to love your man in the way he needs to be loved, then you need to ensure that he feels your respect most of all."

I (Pastor Lee) must add that this includes trust. Respect and trust go together like bacon and eggs. If you don’t respect me, you can’t trust me. If you don’t trust me, how can you respect me. I hear a gaggle of wives saying of course I trust and respect my husband, and then nag him to pull over and ask some other guy directions. You may not mean it, but the message you are sending your husband is, "I don’t trust you to get us where we want to go and I don’t respect your judgment."

Get the Message?