WISE GUYS FROM THE WEST, BEARING GIFTS

(I wonder if they sang “We Three Queens?”)

by Kelly Clark — the lady in the pew — January 10, 2003

Well, heck, since the press pretty much ignored the latest event staged for their benefit by the beautiful people in Newton, Massachusetts, I figured I’d give them a little ink, so to speak.

But first, let me tell you why I owe “Voice of the Faithful” ™ a debt of gratitude!

Uh, Kelly? This doesn’t have anything to do with Dobie Gillis, does it?

Relax! Although now that you brought it up, perhaps a wee side excursion is in order here. Thanks to all who kindly informed me that the actor who played Dobie is a gent named “Dwayne Hickman.”

Anyway, before The Faithful Folk ™ raised their ear-splitting voices, I was what you might call a “naïve” sort of Catholic. About dissension, I mean.

No more. Thanks to the Wellelsley Wise Guys and the Knewton Know-It-Alls, I’ve learned that dissension, schism, and earth-centered politics are rampant, and have been rampant, from, as one wise priest put it, “since that famous conversation with a snake in a Garden.”

While the dissident group, along with their fearful leaders (Father “call-me-Walter” Cuenin leaps immediately to mind) enjoyed their brief fling with celebrity, my eyes were opened to the myriad of groups who, while misappropriating the name “Catholic,” are spreading downright lies in a pitiful attempt to “legitimize” everything from sex with children, (ironic, isn’t it?) to homosexual unions (ironic, isn’t it?), to child murder (ironic, isn’t it) and, of course, women’s “ordination.”

And I learned that priestly cheerleaders for the dissident team ain’t exactly a new phenomenon.

They’re copy-cats.

The Boston Priests Forum ™ and their testosterone-challenged partners in grime are practicing the art of the rip-off. The media might label Father “CMW” Cuenin, for example, an “innovator” but he’s really “innovating” anything. Neither is Father Richard McBrien, nor any of our modern day clerical crybabies. They’re just following in the steps of their heretical predecessors.

And they’ve taught me a very valuable lesson:

Just because a priest or bishop says it’s so, doesn’t mean it is!

Sad but true. The fact is, most heresies in the Church began with a priest. Arius (a bishop) denied the Divinity of Jesus. Nestorius (a bishop) denied Mary’s motherhood of God.

And Martin Luther was, of course, a priest.

My initial, instinctive, queasiness that began with an organization dedicated to restructuring the Roman Catholic Church based on the Constitution of the United States (that still amazes me!) led to my own, rather bumbling education about the Church and it’s “faithful ™”. Guess what? Snakes are still slithering in Paradise.

About “Voice of the Faithful™,” my friend John writes:

“They have performed the vital, if unintended, service of helping to expose the vast effective schism of dissent that exists in the Catholic Church in America. This battle has `smoked out’ many bastions of heresy that the bishops have tolerated in the past and will tend not to in the future. The real faithful laity has also been aroused in a way that will not pass as quickly as the outrage at this `situation.’ In parishes across this land, lay people are waking up to the mess that Modernism has made of their churches and diocese.”

I think John’s absolutely on the mark. From throughout the fruited plain and beyond, I’m hearing from people — Catholics, mostly, but also Protestants and Jews! — who are clearly seeing through the phony claims of the dissidents.

These people tend to quote from the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

(‘Course, I’m also hearing from the dissidents themselves. These people tend to quote from the Boston Globe.)

But now, without further ado, to express my gratitude toward the (rather weakened, it appears) “Voice™,” I now present:

::::::::::::::::::::drum roll::::::::::::::::::

What Happened On The Evening Of January 6, 2003!

In preparing this story, my first step was a visit to the famous “Voice of the Faithful ™ web-site.

But first, sports fans, let me tell you about a funny thing that happened to me on the way there!

I made a mistake. (Please try to control your gasps of shock. It happens on occasion.)

I entered www.votf.com, rather than .org. And I found myself at a wild and crazy site called “Voice of the Fans!” At first, I thought that the beautiful people had given up on destroying the Church, opting to take on the world of sports instead. I mean, gee. Upon my arrival, I was greeted with a big splash screen, with the words:

I AM THE FAN.

I AM THE ONE WHO BUYS THE TICKETS.

I AM THE REASON THE GAMES EXIST.

I HAVE A VOICE AND IT WILL BE HEARD.

Now who could blame me for thinking VOTF (nope, they don’t have a trademark on the initials!) had diversified? The site’s pretty wacky from what I was able to see. ‘Course, most areas are either under construction or closed to the “general public,” but —

Kelly? You’re getting off track. Again.

Right. Sorry. So anyway, once I got to where I was intending to go, I found this:

“VOTF members and other Catholics will assemble at their diocesan cathedrals on Monday, January 6th and in a symbolic gesture present our gifts — as wrapped or labeled boxes — to the Church.”

Gifts? You mean like “free stuff?” Hmmm. This sounded interesting. What kinds of gifts, I wondered?

Oh, no! I stumbled upon their “keepsake” area. Oh please, don’t tell me they’re going to give us one of their tacky coffee mugs!

(Actually, I could’ve suggested a very nice, and very practical gift for my parish church, anyway. Coming down to the city and cleaning up the litter that’s accumulated after months and months of their protests against the Mass would’ve been a nice gesture.)

Here’s why they chose January 6:

“As members of VOTF we are a sacramental people and rooted in prayer. Envisioned as a symbolic gesture reflecting the message of the Epiphany and the Three Kings, is the offering of gifts; the gifts of the Holy Spirit we have received and wish to acknowledge.”

Oh. Gee, having read the above, the coffee mugs (and trust me, they are tacky) started looking better. Ah well. What about this “rooted in prayer” things? Your crack reporter further investigated, finding that:

“The Brooklyn Parish Voice affiliate suggests each service includes prayer and song.”

Now there’s a problem here. Actually, two problems. The first problem is the singing. I heard them sing “We Shall Overcome” a few weeks back.

(Wince.)

The second problem is with the “prayers.” I assumed that the prayer of choice would be the standard “Faithful ™” Opening Prayer. Don’t know it? Well, after each “petition,” the specified response is a tad more authoritative than the standard “Lord, hear our prayer.” From the web-site:

“Response: We are the Church; we are the Body of Christ. Hear us, Christ our strength and salvation, Help us all.”

I guess the “Faithful ™ want to make it crystal clear to the Lord as to Just Whom He’s Dealing With Here.

Oh, yeah, one more reason for choosing January 6 (other than the fact that this marks the birthday of the Boston Globe’s “let’s get Law” campaign):

“Finally, January 6th — as the Epiphany —represents the universality, inclusiveness, and greater mission, of the Church — themes that speak to our rights and responsibilities as baptized Christians in building up the Church.”

Now you probably thought that the Epiphany represented the manifestation of the Divinity of Christ, didn’t you? And that this Divinity was manifested to Gentiles? Silly YOU! Epiphany represents “inclusiveness!” Ask anybody! Ask, for example, Dignity/USA ™ or CORPUS ™!

Continuing my report:

Your super sleuth got the lowdown from the Cathedral of the Holy Cross Rectory housekeeper. A few people showed up. Then they went home.

Me: “Did they leave us any presents?”

She: “Nah.”

So much for the gifts. Not even a coffee mug? (Okay they’re tacky, but hey, a free gift is a free gift!)

Doggedly, I pursued my investigation. I called the “Voice of the Faithful ™” World Wide Headquarters in Newton, Massachusetts. The conversation went a little like this:

“Good afternoon. Voice of the Faithful (Trademark).”

“Hiya. This is Kelly Clark from the Cathedral of the Holy Cross. How are ya?”

“How may I help you?”

“You guys came over to the church last Monday?”

“That’s correct.”

“Did you bring us any presents?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“On your web-site, you said you were bringing us presents.”

“One moment, please.”

[me, on hold for about two years]

“Hello? Are you still there?”

“Sure, I’m here. Did you find out about the presents?”

“Yes I did. The Faithful (Trademark) people brought empty, gift-wrapped boxes.”

(Okay, aside the “trademark” thing, I swear that’s what she said!)

“They brought us empty boxes?”

“They were gift-wrapped boxes.”

“What’d they do with them?”

“They took them home.”

“Oh.”

“Oh, one more thing. The boxes had words printed on them.”

“Words? What words?”

“The only one I remember is the word `wisdom.’ “

So there you have it, sports fans — oops, sorry, I was thinking of the other VOTF. On Monday, January 6, a few of the frolicking faithful ™ eschewed the comfort of the suburbs to bring us empty boxes labeled “wisdom.” Then they took them home.

Empty boxes labeled “wisdom.”

You know what?

I’m thinking they’re finally getting their symbolism right.

Sheesh.

And now for the fine print:

Kelly Clark is your basic nobody. She serves on no parish councils, belongs to none of the myriad of designer-chic "Catholic" groups, or any Catholic group, for that matter, other than the Roman Catholic Church. Holding no theology degrees, she has no desire so see herself or any of her sex wearing a clerical collar. She figures Jesus knew what He was doing when He established His Church, and also figures that it’s His Church, not hers, and not yours. She’s an ordinary parishioner of Cathedral of the Holy Cross, Boston.

Use the links on the left to e-mail Kelly, to visit her parish, read past columns, and check out other cool stuff.

Copyright: Kelly Clark, 2003. I don’t care if you share this stuff with others. In fact, I hope you do! Only I’d appreciate it if you’d link me, or print it off as it is. In other words, don’t change anything. Thanks.

“The Lady in the Pew” column is updated weekly, God willing. To be notified of updates, please e-mail me. The link’s on the left.

“Mary, Mother of God, pray for us. Mary, Mother of the Church, pray for us.”