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To Be, or Not To Be, a Catholic (that is the question, according to Father “Call Me Walter” Cuenin) by Kelly Clark — the lady in the pew — January 23, 2003 On February 9, 2003, parishioners of Our Lady, Help of Christians Roman Catholic Church, located in the ever-so-swanky Newton, Massachusetts, will decide whether or not they want to stay in the Roman Catholic Church. They will decide this at what is known as a “Parish Town Meeting.” If the good Newtonians deign to continue gracing us with their presence, they will then answer (one presumes, for all of us) the burning question: “What Kind Of Church Do We Want To Belong To?” I read about it in their parish bulletin, under the “Pastor’s Corner,” which is usually entitled “A Word from Walter.” I’m kinda nutty about church bulletins. Some people collect baseball cards. My mom used to collect menus. I collect church bulletins. Maybe this is one reason for this odd hobby: I love my parish, but, gee, about our bulletin? Basically, it’s a single sheet, with the usually boiler-plate stuff on one side (you know, Mass times, confessions, phone numbers, and so on) with a few announcements on the back. Xeroxed, in black and white. I mean, it’s so plain! Other parishes have cool bulletins. Like the one I’m looking at one now, from a parish in the Bahamas. (I’m looking at it in a feeble attempt to divert my mind from the not-exactly-tropical weather ‘round these parts.) It’s got all sorts of goodies in it: a reflection on the readings, a whole slew of people to pray for, a couple of cute jokes. Here’s another one, from a nearby church. This one’s packed with interesting and useful stuff, including a listing of the daily scripture readings for the entire week, and a funny cartoon! And hey, check this one out, from Saint Mary’s of Waltham, Massachusetts. Like Father “CMW” Cuenin’s, this one’s in full color! (More on Saint Mary’s of Waltham, and pastor Father Wendell Verrill, in a moment. Don’t worry, I won’t take too long. Hey, I won’t! Cross my heart!) One reason why other parishes have such glitzy bulletins, I believe, is the fact that they accept advertising. I like looking at the ads. Invariably, the biggest one is for the local funeral parlor. And for reasons I’ve never figured out, chiropractors and foot doctors seem to utilize church bulletins to bring in the business, while dentists’ ads are as rare as, well, hen’s teeth. What does this tell us? Perhaps that while Catholics are more susceptible to back problems and bad feet than other folks, we’re blessed with better oral health? My favorite ads are the “non-ads.” You know what I mean. The small squares bearing the legend “Your Ad Here.” Sometimes those “non-ads” can be pretty creative. Here’s a cute one: the message is blared out by a little cartoon guy with a cartoon megaphone. And that reminds me: back to Father “CMW” Cuenin and his communiqués The Newton parish not only has a full-color bulletin: it also publishes a full-color newsletter! I’m looking at it right now. The headline is: “Open Wide the Doors!” Hmmm. That sounds familiar to me. Why is that? Wait, I know! That was the motto given to us by the Holy Father in preparation of the Jubilee Year! This is great! Father “CMW,” who once fretted that a certain Boston Cardinal was getting “too close to Rome” has apparently embraced the Pope’s exhortation to all Catholics to “Open Wide the Doors to Christ!” Right? Wrong! There’s no “to Christ” about this “open wide the doors” business whatsoever. In my opinion, it’s a double-perversion. First, it perverts the whole notion of “opening wide” our hearts, our souls, our entire beings, to Jesus Christ and His teachings. Secondly — and to my mind, even more disturbing — it perverts Christ’s words, particularly Matthew, Chapter 7, Verses 13-14: “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road broad that leads to destruction, and those who enter through it are many. How narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads to life. And those who find it are few.” Contrast this with Father Cuenin’s statement: “This coming year marks the 125th anniversary of our great parish. The theme chosen for the year is “Open Wide The Doors.” We want to emphasize that Our Lady’s is committed to welcoming all people unconditionally. We welcome Catholics who are very connected and those who are barely hanging on. We welcome married couples, single people, divorced and remarried couples. We welcome gay and straight people, people of every race and nationality and all minorities.” Yikes. Now, in anticipation of any angry “Walter-Rules-And-You-Suck” letters heading my way — wait a sec, there’s a parenthetical comment approaching — (I welcome all e-mail. I welcome all postal mail and/or phone calls. A little exploration of this web-site will give you access to all my contact information. But if you e-mail me, please: don’t use a “fake” e-mail address. There’s a technical name for a “fake” e-mail address, but I don’t know what it is. Nevertheless, please don’t do that. I really hate hitting the reply button, composing a carefully worded response, hitting the send button, only to have my pearls of wisdom or clumps of idiocy, however you want to characterize them, flying back to me as “undeliverable.” Thank you.) Sorry for the interruption. Anyway, let me make it clear: I’m in no position to judge Father Cuenin or anybody else. I’m not without sin, myself. And I think it’s dandy to welcome everybody — it’s what we’re supposed to do. But what we’re not supposed to do is broadly imply — or what the heck, come right out and say — that, for instance, people living in an invalidly married state or practicing homosexual behavior are on the right track. “Hey, Kelly! You’re getting a tad worked up about this, aren’t you?” Well, gee, in a way, I am. In the same newsletter, we learn that the “New Year’s Day,” Mass will be celebrated on, well, New Year’s Day. What happened to the “Solemnity of Mary,” I’m wondering? Okay, call me a quibbler. I can take it. But what I find difficult to, uh, swallow is, in the same newsletter, an article written by one who is apparently a veritable pillar of the parish community. Entitled “Reflections of a Proud Parishioner,” it’s written by none other than Larry Kessler, Proud Parishioner. Who’s Larry Kessler? Founder of our local AIDS Action Committee, Larry Kessler has (as he’d be the first to tell you) accomplished much in the area of the Corporal Works of Mercy. (In fact, his parish as a whole is very big on the Corporal Works of Mercy. Give credit where credit is due, I always say.) Anyway, in his article, Mr. “I’m Gay-and-Proud-of-It” Kessler reminds his fellow parishioners that they have much to brag about. Mr. Kessler writes that every parish in the archdiocese should model itself after his. Mr. Kessler writes a lot, it would appear. A high mucky-muck in the group known as “Voice of the Faithful™, Mr. Kessler has opined some interesting strategies for the beautiful people via e-mail. Important Warning Regarding E-mail: E-mail is definitely not the same as, say, a sealed letter. E-mail is more like a postcard, sent to an address with millions of residents. Never send an e-mail — especially one to a group — that you wouldn’t mind sharing with everybody in the world. Let me show you what I mean. Here are some samples of missives from Larry Kessler, Proud Parishioner. First, a query from Maine:
I respectfully submit the following for consideration to the leadership of VOTF. VOTF-Maine is considering holding our next meeting on the front lawn of the Chancery. Meeting date: October 16th. We will either leave when the police ask us to or resist and be arrested. Comments please. Paul Kendrick VOTF-Maine Mr. Kessler, Proud Parishioner’s, response:
Paul, may i respectfully give you some feedback and suggestions on the idea of the meeting on the lawn. I think it is a great idea and it certainly will supply a good visual for the media. I suggest that you have an opening prayer and perhaps a song or two. This will help if the police shut you down or arrest you. The headline screaming "Faithful arrested praying on the lawn of the Chancery." would be great. I had an experience like this one Palm Sunday in the sixties praying on the lawn of a slum lord in Pittsburgh. After a couple hours in the city jail the magistrate set the hearing for the next Friday at noon. In midweek when they discovered that it was Good Friday they suggested we move it. We of course said NO and the 50 or so of us including 5 nuns, 6 priests and mostly catholic laity showed up in front of a very traditional Catholic Judge who promptly dismissed us and blasted the landlord and the police and ordered an inspection of the properties we were concerned about. Sometimes an arrest is not necessary to make your point...sometimes the media can make it for you...as they film you being asked to move. I would also suggest that you might contact the local ACLU in case their is any over-reaction from the police. If I am not mistaken the lay Catholics of Portland Diocese built the chancery as well as the parishes. My hope is that the VOTF leadership can offer both support and encouragement to your folks. Who can blame you for being mad as hell and thinking outside the box that the Bishop wants to keep you in. Regarding the banning of VOTF in North Andover, Massachusetts Mr. Kessler, PP opines:
Jan and friends...some thoughts on your comments and perhaps some suggestions we might consider in response to the ban in North Andover. This is the opening shot and you can be sure the local Bishop did not make this move without encouragement and approval from his boss. If there is not a response you can be sure it will happen in other area real soon. I think a meeting on the lawn of the local Bishops lawn would be a good place to start. A meeting in his office (sit-in) might be effective as well and won't necessarily lead to arrest...if you leave when the police order you to do so. There’s more, but you get the idea. “Hey, Kelly, where do you get stuff like this?” Well gee. Somebody sent it to me. Several people, in fact. One must assume that there is dissension among the dissidents. (Who do they think they are, anyway: the Roman Catholic Church?) I don’t know about you, but I think PP Mr. Kessler’s suggestion to the gentleman from Maine to use — or abuse — prayer as a “good visual for the media” is pretty damn hideous. What kind of message is Father “CMW”’s model parishioner (make that “Proud Parishioner”) sending about the sanctity of prayer? “Sit-ins.” You know, I really believe that if my dad had only let me go to Woodstock (after all, I was 14 and a half at the time!) I’d not only understand Father “CMW” and crew, but might actually be able to write about their peculiar views with some semblance of — well, if not “eloquence,” than perhaps sanity. But he didn’t let me go, I missed out on all the fun, and the upshot is that I have a hard time understanding “sit-ins,” to say nothing of “Parish Town Meetings,” sheesh. It’s puzzling. Saint Mary’s of Waltham puzzles me, too. Told ya it wouldn’t take that long! Anyway, something’s off, to me at least, with Saint Mary’s of Waltham. First of all, I know the parish pastor: Father Wendell Verrill. He’s a nice guy. (I’m sure Father “CMW” is a nice guy, too, by the way.) Father Verrill used to work at my parish. While perusing through one of his bulletins, I came across something that pleased, as well as educated me. It’s under the “Pastor’s Corner” (not called, blissfully enough, “A Word from Wendell.”) Anyway, in this particular column, Father Verrill writes about the importance of the Latin words: “Nihil Obstat.” Explaining that the term, meaning “nothing objectionable,” is an important one, Father Verrill writes: “If you are reading something which you assume reflects accurate Catholic theology, you want to look for those Latin words. Otherwise, you get confused very easily and can often misunderstand the Church’s position.” You GO, Father Verrill! Right? Well, yes. Except that, in another bulletin, Father Verrill writes that he’s thrilled to pieces because five folks from the Saint Mary’s Voice of the Faithful™ chapter are attending some archdiocesan conference! HUH??? Here’s a question: Would anybody expect to see a “Nihil Obstat” on, oh, I don’t know, how ‘bout the “highly recommended Voice of the Faithful™ tract called “Discerning the Spirit” by Anthony Massimini? What kind of mixed-messages are Father Verrill’s parishioners getting? Not one to hide his light under a bushel, Father “CMW” writes: “In our parish we have tried to face the issues directly and with courage. We have supported victims and their families. We have a Voice of the Faithful chapter. We have had listening sessions and healing services.” Rah, team. He continues: “But even with these efforts we have experienced a decline in attendance at Sunday Mass and a decline in the Sunday offertory. I am not surprised. I listen to the struggle of many who are staying home or pulling back. I know the anxiety many people experience as they try to stay with their church. I also understand that some have needed to pull back. I make no judgment.” That’s very nice that the good padre “makes no judgment.” But how “pastoral” is it? The above is taken, not from the bulletin (accessible to Mass attendees), but from the newsletter (which is mailed to everyone in the parish.) If I’d been skipping Mass for awhile, and I read these words from the one presumably in charge of helping me get to heaven, I might very well think that my failure to participate at Mass on Sunday — which, the last time I checked was grave sin — is not only “okay,” but even “understandable.” Sheesh. “All that glitters, etc.” I dunno. I’ll still probably continue to collect church bulletins. And I’ll enjoy looking at the ads and the glitzy color pictures. But ya know what? All of the sudden, my parish’s plain vanilla, single sheet, black and white publication doesn’t look so drab anymore. (Although an occasional cartoon would be nice.) P.S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me incorrigible, but I found a really COOL bulletin that not only has nice pictures, but great words, too! It’s the “Our Lady of Guadalupe E-Parish” bulletin, and you can find it here: (Thanks, Father Farfaglia!) And now for the fine print: Kelly Clark is your basic nobody. She serves on no parish councils, belongs to none of the myriad of designer-chic "Catholic" groups, or any Catholic group, for that matter, other than the Roman Catholic Church. Holding no theology degrees, she has no desire so see herself or any of her sex wearing a clerical collar. She figures Jesus knew what He was doing when He established His Church, and also figures that it’s His Church, not hers, and not yours. She’s an ordinary parishioner of Cathedral of the Holy Cross, Boston. Use the links on the left to e-mail Kelly, to visit her parish, read past columns, and check out other cool stuff. Copyright: Kelly Clark, 2003. I don’t care if you share this stuff with others. In fact, I hope you do! Only I’d appreciate it if you’d link me, or print it off as it is. In other words, don’t change anything. Thanks. “The Lady in the Pew” column is updated weekly, God willing. To be notified of updates, please e-mail me. The link’s on the left. “Mary, Mother of God, pray for us. Mary, Mother of the Church, pray for us.”
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