THANKS BE TO GOD!

(not to all the “special guest stars”)

by Kelly Clark — the lady in the pew — April, 2004

I’m wondering. Are we in danger of forgetting Who the Real Focus of our existence is?

At my parish, for example, we fell in the habit, some years back, of thanking Those Great Folks Who Helped Make This Mass Really Work. You know: “Let’s thank Joe Blow and Minnie Haha, our readers today,” etc. etc.

No big deal, you say? Maybe not.

Okay. Recently I heard about a nearby parish which celebrates a monthly “family” Mass. A family is chosen each month to sort of “host” the Mass. The kids serve as lectors, mom and dad might bring up the gifts, and so on. After the readings, each kid receives a round of applause. After the Mass, the whole family gets an ovation.

On the Western Suburban Boston front, I understand that lay lectors in a rather prominent parish proclaimed the Gospel readings for the last few weeks in Lent. While this isn’t exactly according to Hoyle, or Church law for that matter, they were nonetheless thanked profusely for their efforts.

And then there’s the Boston College conference coming up. It’s called “Envisioning the Church Women Want.”

Now I’ve got some stuff to say about this conference, and why my concern over it is linked to what I’ve written about above. And I will get to it shortly. But first:

Let me tell you about my high school cheerleading try-out.

[imagine reminiscing-type harp music here]

When I was in high school, girls aspired to become cheerleaders for laudable reasons. Primarily, it was all about a concept called “team spirit.” The point of being a cheerleader, for many, was to contribute, using talents such as a loud voice and an ability to make amazing leaps and other various bodily contortions, to the victory of the athletic team.

In my case, this team was known as “The Saint James High School Something-or-Others.” (Hey, was the team name so important?)

My motives for coveting a spot on “The Saint James High School Something-or-Others” cheerleading squad were a tad different.

First, the glory!

After all, being a cheerleader was a sure-fire ticket to, if not immortality, then at least popularity. No cheerleader in my high school lacked for week-end dates!

Secondly, I reasoned that my cheerleader status would go far in my quest to attract the captain of the football team, whom we will call “Dave.”

(We’ll call him “Dave,” since that was, and still is, his real name.)

Now, “Dave” was Something Else. In fact, the only thing that kept us from becoming instantly engaged — or, at least, Serious Steadies — was that “Dave” didn’t know me from Eve. And so, I reasoned calmly: I JUST HAD TO BE A CHEERLEADER!!!

The perfect cartwheel: my ace-in-the-hole.

Lots of girls planned to try out for the cheerleading squad that year, but I wasn’t worried. You see, I’d perfected a variation on the traditional cartwheel that, in my opinion, was guaranteed to elicit oohs, aahs, and, most importantly, a spot on the squad.

In fact, this cartwheel was so unique, so unlike any other effort lesser mortals were bound to make, that I almost patented it!

Here’s how it worked.

Unlike your everyday, run-of-the-mill cartwheel, mine was special in its sheer length. While normal cartwheels are over and done with in seconds, mine lasted — I’d timed it — almost one full minute!

In order to execute this maneuver perfectly, one needs exceptionally strong forearms, highly disciplined legs, and an ability to block everything save the vision one is creating out of one’ s mind.

Allow me to demonstrate the “Kelly Kartwheel™” (not its real name). As I don’t have video on this web-site, you’ll have to use your imagination.

WARNING: Do not try this at home!!!

I begin by balancing my entire body on only one hand. In other words, I perform a single hand stand. That accomplished, I — ever so slowly — bring my legs together until they are pointed perfectly straight and upward, while simultaneously bringing my free hand down to the earth. I am now in regular handstand position. I hold that position for a count of ten, making sure my toes are pointed and my entire upside-down body is reaching effortlessly toward the sky.

“C’mon, Kelly, you don’t expect me to believe you’re actually doing this, do you!”

Of course I do. This is the Internet, isn’t it?

Now then. To continue, I s-l-o-w-l-y begin to lower my left leg, while, maintaining perfect symmetry, simultaneously raising my right arm toward the heavens. (I really wish you could see this. It’s pretty incredible, if I do say so myself.)

Next — and remember, this is all stupendously fluid in motion — my left leg touches the ground, and the rest of my body follows gracefully until, as you can see (or could, if my web-site boasted video) I am at last standing tall and firmly on terra firma wearing — and this is key — a winning smile.

What a performance! How could I possibly miss???

My sister, Buzzy, saw a potential problem. Sheesh.

“You’re supposed to use words,” is how she put it.

Never having actually observed other cheerleaders, I hadn’t a clue as to her meaning, so she elaborated.

“When you try out for cheerleading, you have to say stuff — or yell stuff, actually. You know. Like a cheer, for example.”

I didn’t know if my sister was being snide or helpful or both, but it occurred to me that she was probably right.

So I added some “words.”

Here’s how my try-out cheer ended up: join me!

Imagine me before you and other admiring faces, standing straight and tall, with my hands on my hips. I yell:

“Ya got the spirit?” (and I clap twice — feel free to clap along with me.)

“Then let’s hear it!” (Clap-clap)

“S-P” (Clap-clap)

“I-R” (Clap-clap)

“I-T” (Clap-clap)

No doubt you get the concept: the idea was to spell out the word “S-P-I-R-I-T.”

“What about that cartwheel?”

Aha! The pièce de résistance!

While executing the cartwheel, I would s-l-o-w-l-y spell out the word S P I R I T in an almost ethereal fashion, perfectly coordinating the entire movement so that, by the time I was standing, feet on the ground, head straight, winning smile in place, the word would be spelled out and everybody in the bleachers would be applauding and cheering me like mad, while gasping in unadulterated admiration.

I couldn’t lose.

Except I lost.

To make a silly story short, come try-out time, I neglected to include the middle letters “I” and “R” during my cartwheel routine.

Thus seeming to exhort all to E X P E C T O R A T E.

Goodbye cheerleader’s status, and goodbye “Dave.”

Actually, the misspelling wasn’t the main reason I lost!

As one of the judge’s explained to me, I lost a lot of points because I didn’t bother mentioning the team’s name in my cheer.

And why should I have done that? As should be painfully clear by now, the entire fiasco was, as is so often the case, all about me.

Not, in my opinion, unlike the upcoming Boston College Conference.

If you go to the conference web-site, you will find that there is no mention of the Name of Jesus. What does that tell you? Is there no room for Jesus in the “Church That Women Want?”

The first workshop is entitled: “Women Leaders Creating Church.”

I’m not kidding!

Never mind that Jesus Christ created His Church a couple of thousand years ago. These dames — excuse me, “leaders” — apparently believe they can do a better job.

These “ladies” — like that insufferably arrogant would-be cheerleader — seem to believe, God help them, that the Church is all about them.

Among the distinguished panelists is Sister Jeannine Gramick, Ph.D., National Coalition of American Nuns, Executive Committee; Consultant, Lesbian and Gay Ministry.

Good grief.

“Kelly? Getting close to wrap-up time, here!”

Right you are. Here it is.

I’m afraid that the increasing concentration on those of us who “participate” in Sunday Masses is putting us all in danger.

Is publicly “thanking” the readers, for example, such a stretch to madly applauding the Mass’s “host family?”

And, from there, can we really be shocked to learn that unauthorized “lectors” are proclaiming the Gospel?

And, if we break this pretty important rule, what’s to stop us from “Creating Church” based on what any given group wants?

What the bleep’s next?

I mean, let’s celebrate a little diversity here, shall we?

After “Women Leaders Create Church,” why not give some other Groups With Leaders a shot at this Creation business?

“Lesbian Leaders Create Church: Is a Rosie O’Donnell Papacy Possible?”

“Gay Leaders Create Church: Liturgy to Include Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons”

“Animal Rights Leaders Create Church: Looking Toward a PETA Priesthood”

It’s all so nutty, isn’t it?

But here’s the Good News.

“At the Last Supper, on the night he was betrayed, our Savior instituted the Eucharistic Sacrifice of his Body and Blood. He did this in order to perpetuate the sacrifice of the cross throughout the centuries until he should come again, and so to entrust to his beloved spouse, the Church, a memorial of his death and resurrection: a sacrament of love, a sign of unity, a bond of charity, a paschal banquet in which Christ is consumed, the mind is filled with grace, and a pledge of future glory is given to us.” (Sacrosanctum Concilium 47).

Deo Gratias!

Until next time,

Kelly

End notes:

I do so much appreciate your being here, and reading this. Please remember every one mentioned in this column in your prayers. Including me. I pray for you all the time.

I learned about the parish with the “host families” at my good friend Domenico Bettinelli’s site, specifically here:

Mention of the lectors reading the Gospel during Lent can be found in this bulletin. (Acrobat Reader required.) Look for an article headlined “A Special Thank You”

Information on the Boston College Conference entitled “Envisioning the Church Women Want” can be found here:

And now for the fine print:

Kelly Clark is your basic nobody. She serves on no parish councils, belongs to none of the myriad of designer-chic "Catholic" groups, or any Catholic group, for that matter, other than the Roman Catholic Church. Holding no theology degrees, she has no desire to see herself or any of her sex wearing a clerical collar. She figures Jesus knew what He was doing when He established His Church, and also figures that it’s His Church, not hers, and not yours. She’s an ordinary parishioner of Cathedral of the Holy Cross, Boston.

Use the links on the left to e-mail Kelly, to visit her parish, read past columns, and check out other cool stuff. (If you don’t see any links on the left, you’ve probably been directed here by a search engine. Just point your browser to http://www.pewlady.com to get to the main site.)

Copyright: Kelly Clark, 2004. I don’t care if you share this stuff with others. In fact, I hope you do! Only I’d appreciate it if you’d link me, or print it off as it is. In other words, don’t change anything. Thanks.

“The Lady in the Pew” column is updated regularly, God willing. To be notified of updates, please e-mail me. The link’s on the left.

“Mary, Mother of the Church, pray for us.”