OUTSIDE MY CHURCH, THEY’RE OUTSIDE OF THE CHURCH

(Who’s the real target of the protests, I wonder?)

Every Sunday at my parish, about thirty very loud people try to prevent me and my fellow worshippers from, well, worshipping.

They claim to be prayerfully focused on protesting the authority of my pastor, Cardinal Law.

In fact, there’s precious little prayer or focus about them.

What’s so "prayerful" about screaming and otherwise verbally abusing parishioners and guests as they enter the church?

In fact, what’s so "prayerful" about an attempt to turn the most solemn and holy sacrifice of the Eucharist into a tacky imitation of primal scream therapy?

Last Sunday, after Mass, I joined some Hispanic pals and sang hymns of praise to God in the area where the protestors gather. Okay, call me naïve, but I thought perhaps hymns would move the protestors to join in.

We were booed.

Now, my singing voice is never going to give Barbra Streisand any sleepless nights. Were I a protestor, I would’ve been tempted to boo myself. So we swung into the Rosary.

They booed the Rosary, too.

They don’t want us to celebrate and commune with Jesus Christ. And apparently they don’t like His Mother much, either.

Who are these "prayerful and focused" people?

One regular is a woman who claims to lead a group called "Coalition of Concerned Catholics." I’ll take the high road and not identify this woman (don’t worry, Anne, your id’s safe with me!) She has distinguished herself in many peculiar ways: one, by attempting to disrupt a special healing service held at Mission Church on March 24, 2002. The service, which was announced in The Pilot, was held to specifically pray for the Archdiocese of Boston. As the congregation sang hymns of praise, the priests wove through the congregation, blessing each of the participants.

As the well-loved Redemptorist Father McDonnough approached ­ let’s call her "Ms. X" ­ she proceeded to scream bloody murder at the man. His crime? Near as I can figure, having The Gall to pray for Cardinal Law and the priests of the Archdiocese.

(It would seem that it is the "prayerful" concern of the "Concerned Catholics" that prayers be strictly limited, and that praying for Cardinal Law and priests is strictly taboo.)

Swiftly assessing the situation (Ms. X was even at this time a familiar sight at the Cathedral), I quickly and, I thought, rather unobtrusively, escorted the screaming Ms. X out of the church. I accomplished this by informing her that if she did not leave quietly I would have her arrested by a police officer stationed in the vestibule, hinting darkly at even more dire consequences.

(My lie about the police officer’s presence did not sufficiently trouble my conscience to spur me to immediate Confession, I’m afraid.)

Outside the church, Ms. X contented herself by passing out fliers for the upcoming "Good Friday Vigil" that was held at my church. After the service, she approached a lady who, while waiting for her ride to pick her up, quietly prayed her Rosary. Ms. X loudly informed the woman that she Personally Knew of An Abused-by-A-Priest Child who Hanged Himself With A Rosary Just Like That One. The lady with the Rosary walked away quietly, no doubt wishing to distance herself from the screaming Ms. X.

Sex seems to be the overriding theme

Oh, I’m not talking about sexual abuse of kids and adolescents here. I’m just talking about good old S-E-X. These people seemed to be obsessed with it. The group called "Dignity," out in full force at my church on Good Friday, prides itself on being "the nation’s oldest and largest gay Catholic organization." As I mingle though the screamers, I hear snippets of disjointed (but, invariably, loud) commentary on the Horrors of Priestly Celibacy, the Church’s Outrageous Attitude on Contraception, a Demand for Abortion Rights, and so on. Their clamorous preoccupation with sex makes a George Carlin concert seem downright demure, for Pete’s sake!

They’re protesting The Mass. That’s not just tacky. It’s sacrilegious.

Look, people. You got a beef with the Cardinal? The Archdiocesan hierarchy?

You ladies want to be ordained?

You want your kids to use condoms and diaphragms and have abortions with the blessing of the Church?

You want the Church to bless homosexual unions?

Fine. Then take your complaints where they belong. Because you know what? As a common, garden variety Catholic, I don’t want to hear about it! And I especially don’t want your innumerable gripes to interfere with my right to worship my God on Sundays or at any time! You got that?

(If it helps, just imagine me screaming. You seem to understand that particular dialect very well.)

Hey, I’d just as soon you stayed away from the Cardinal’s Residence or the Chancery but my personal preferences haven’t stopped you before, so go for it. You’ve got the ear of every major (and minor) news outlet in the world, so, again, go for it. Hold your press conferences, write your letters, phone your talk shows.

But listen and listen good. On Sundays at Cathedral of the Holy Cross, we gather at 11:00 AM to celebrate The Holy Eucharist. To celebrate the Word of God. To celebrate the Real Presence of Jesus Christ. You are welcome ­ no, urged ­ to join us in this most holy and sublime Sacrifice. Prayerfully, in the manner in which you claim to conduct yourselves.

If you can’t do that, then take your bullhorns, your demands, your repulsive and libelous signs, and your screaming obscenities and go away. Summon up that decency that I know you’ve got in you and let us worship in peace.