FEMALE AND CATHOLIC...IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER.

(so quit trying to fix what ain't broke!)

"What do women want?"

Sigmund Freud, Austria

"I'm pretty much okay with the way things are, thanks."

Kelly Clark, Boston

"... the church needs contributions from the laity with its understanding of ...the equality of women."

Voice of the People, Wellesley, Massachusetts

"That's utterly absurd."

Kelly Clark, Boston

If you missed my column last week, here's the scoop: "Voice of the Faithful," is the newest in a long, long list of designer, Catholic-chic organizations, with its aim as keeping "their" church and, incidentally, eating it too. Headquartered in the lovely bedroom community known as Wellesley, Massachusetts, VOTF reared its fashionable head last January in response, apparently, to what founder Jim Mullen, M.D., depicts as the death of the Roman Catholic Church.

You know something? I came this close today to calling my E-Cathedral Editor and ask him to re-run a past "Lady in the Pew" column this week. Why? Because I wanted to wait until my anger abated.

The heck with that. So I'm ticked off. Being insulted often does that to me. My question to the Wellesley group is this:

Who do you think you are???

Ahem. Let me put it another way:

Where do you get off telling me that the Church founded by Jesus Christ and nurtured by the Holy Spirit needs you to contribute to Her understanding of the "equality of women?" Where have you been in the past 2000 years or so?

I am insulted on behalf of Holy Mother Church by your arrogant assumption that you know better than the Holy Spirit does.

I am insulted on behalf of those of us with a special devotion to, for instance, Catherine of Siena, Thérèse of Lisieux, and Teresa of Avila. These women happen to be doctors of the Church.

To put the significance of this in perspective: in over two thousand years the Catholic Church has elected two hundred and sixty-four pontiffs. Only two of them have been named "doctors." Just two!

On the other hand, three women, who never held any official office, have been named "Doctors of the Church." Where's the "inequality" there?

Do any of these titles ring a bell?

"House of Gold." "Seat of Wisdom." "Health of the Sick." "Queen of the Apostles." "Queen of All Saints." "Queen of Angels." "Queen of Archangels," for Pete's sake.

"Mother of God."

Now, tell me something. Do you think these titles came out of thin air? Or, perhaps you think that maybe, centuries ago, some little group like VOTF whispered into the ear of the Holy Spirit that maybe He outta do a little something for the little woman? Come on.

Quick! Name the only human being, born of human parents, who was born without sin, and lived a life completely without sin? Got it? Okay, now tell me: exactly how do you know this? Could it be that maybe - just maybe - the Church that VOTF deems so in need of its guidance on the "equality of women" actually told you so?

The dogma of the Immaculate Conception - that dogma so often misunderstood by so many Catholics it's embarrassing - applies to only one human being. A woman.

Where's Mary on the VOTF documents?

Last I looked, nowhere. Funny thing about that, isn't it. A group with all this insight into the equality of women, and not a hint of Mary in the whole joint. Add the fact that the president of VOTF is a man, (with a woman taking second place) and it kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Since the time of Christ, no other religion in the history has so consistently and enthusiastically elevated women.

Do you think I am kidding? In the Roman Catholic Tradition, Mary is co-Redeemer with Jesus Christ. How much more "elevated" can you get and not be fully divine while still being fully human?

"But, but, but, what about, you know, ordination and all?"

What about it? What do you think ordination really confers...a guaranteed, first-class, non-stop trip to Heaven?

I'm serious. Do you think priests are somehow "better" than lay people? Surely you can't possibly covet the vestments, can you? What's the deal?

On rather hare-brained theory being bruited about is that, if only women had been ordained over the past 40-50 years, sexual abuse of children and adolescents would never have happened.

As if women never molested kids. Let's get real, people!

I have a theory.

What I think is that the men - and women, too, but in my experience, mostly men - who are so insistent on the fact that they can instruct me and my fellow Catholics about the "equality of women" are sadly short sighted. They're looking at the earthly goodies.

(In the case of VOTF, this is painfully obvious in its remarkably naïve plan to "reconstruct" the Church based on, of all earthly concepts, the Constitution of the United States. )

Personally, I know how great God made women.

They'd be horrified if I mentioned them by name - and that, incidentally, is part of what makes them great - but I know women, and plenty of them, who have accomplished miracles out of whole cloth and a lot of faith. I know a lady in my parish who instituted, and has kept the first homeless shelter for women in Boston up and running without even once holding a fund-raiser. I know another woman who, almost single-handedly and above all odds, managed to create and nurture a thriving housing complex for women in problem pregnancies. I can go on, but you get my point.

These women and others, - thousands, millions of others - aren't looking for earthly glory. They aren't looking for an "important" role in the liturgy. And, frankly, they're far too busy doing great, truly great things to even bother looking for "public recognition."

On behalf of them, too, I am highly insulted by VOTF.

But hey, I'll get over it. God's been good to me. After all, He made me a woman.