SHOW TIME IN DALLAS

(gee, where were Oprah and Rush?)

by Kelly Clark: the Lady in the Pew

The American bishops certainly had their American cultural bases covered last week. And for such an audience!

Journalists the world over converged, reported, analyzed, interviewed, analyzed, and analyzed some more. They covered the left. They covered the right. They did the hokey-pokey and they turned themselves around, ‘cause that’s what it was all about.

Among the headliners...

...were the “We Care More Than You Do” beautiful people, duly represented by reps from Commonweal Magazine and that bastion of Higher Than Thou Education, Notre Dame University.

And the whole shebang was neatly wrapped up with the appointment of fiery, conservative, pro-death penalty governor Frank Keating to head some sort of “review board.”

From the left to the right, the Bishops hosted a remarkable display of contemporary Americana.

Who planned this powwow anyway: Voice of the Faithful?

I mean, it was almost eerie. The agenda seemed to come straight from the dissenting, upper-crust, Wellesley-based group’s playbook!

In a nutshell, here’s the Wellesley dissenters plan of attack:

A. Appeal to the “left.”

B. Having captured the “left,” reconfigure itself to draw in the “right.”

C. Avoid any discussion of “divisive issues” until everybody’s in the new “fold.”

Apparently, the U.S. bishops share the VOTF philosophy of avoiding the “sticky stuff” for now...efforts by Lincoln’s Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz and Chicago’s Francis Cardinal George to bring up Church dissension were futile. (“Not now, the cameras are rolling, dontcha see.”) Worthy of note: Bishop Bruskewitz took on Voice of the Faithful pep squad “Call to Action” and the Chicago N.O.W. girls want Cardinal George axed. Enough said.

Using the abused: déjà vu all over again

Four victims of sexual abuse — three by priests, one by a seminarian — came forward and spoke eloquently of their pain. According to David Clohessy, of the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (“SNAP” ), these people were “hand picked” by the hosting bishops.

I don’t know what criteria the bishops used in “picking” these four out of the couple of hundred or so victims, but why they asked them to come at all is a no-brainer: they’re looking for forgiveness. That’s commendable. I hope the bishops get their forgiveness...and not for the bishops’ sake but for that of the victims themselves.

Because unless they forgive, there can be no healing...in this life or in the next.

Keeping the victims perpetually victimized

Much of the victims’ testimony focused on their desire to survive and conquer their devastating ordeals. I pray they do. But they’ve got some tough challenges ahead of them.

Because there are people who don’t want them to “survive,” if “survival” means throwing off their status as victims. And these people are incredibly determined.

Voice of the Faithful’s purported, Numero Uno reason for existence is “to support the victims.” That’s a damn lie, of course: their reason for existence is to “structurally change” the Catholic Church. But they need the victims to be able to accomplish this.

They need to keep hammering home the widely accepted lie that the Catholic Church is unsafe for children.

They need to keep distracting well-meaning people who either can’t or won’t think for themselves into forgetting the fact that most of these abuses took place fifteen, twenty-five, thirty, or more years ago.

It’s simple logic: if the victims survive, the dissenting movement won’t.

Won’t it? Maybe it all depends on what your definition of “victim” is.

Good point. Look around and you’ll see that the definition of “victimization” is broadening even you read t his. We’ve got the “marginalized women” victims. The “marginalized” homosexual victims. And let’s not forget those cuddly middle-agers who’ve suddenly remembered how “traumatized” they were by Sister Mary Gumdrop’s depiction of that nasty and scary place called “Hell.” Sister Gumdrop, of course, will become herself a “victim,” too, no doubt of some overbearing, mean-spirited, male priest who forced her to “abuse” her charges.

You’ve got victims, we’ve got victims, all God’s children got victims. Only one solution, my friends: put all God’s victims in charge of His Church. (And incidentally, should God resign? Maybe we outta put that on the ballot, too.)

Eminences and Excellencies, I beg you: WAKE UP!!!

You’re sorry. I get it, already! Anybody with half a brain gets it! You should be sorry. Now for heaven’s sake, get over it and get back to work. This mea culpa thing you’ve got going on is getting old. Wear your hair shirts, but wear them while demonstrating some leadership at your respective helms.

And by the way, lotsa luck with your “Zero Tolerance” policy in Rome.

Speaking of which...you know, I don’t have an inside line with the Holy Father. But do you know what I think he actually might agree to in order to combat the “Crisis in the American Church?”

Zero Tolerance on Dissension!

May I humbly (okay, maybe not as humbly as I’d like, but I try), prayerfully, and respectfully suggest that you stop with the focus-group fiddling around, lose the “listening sessions,” drop the spin doctors, pitch the pollsters, and simply reiterate what Holy Mother Church has been saying for ‘lo these many, many years now:

“Here are the rules. We are not imposing them on you. We are, however, proposing them. You have a free will. You may abide by these rules (or at least make every effort to do so) or you may reject them. If you choose the latter, good luck, God bless, and we’re sorry as heck you choose not to be a Catholic.”

You’re into protection, my good bishops? Fine. Would you please consider protecting me from people who would subvert the Church?