“OUTGROWING” HELL?

(“Hello? Operator? My phone’s acting wacky!”)

By Kelly Clark — the lady in the pew — August 29, 2004

Saint Albert the Great, a parish in Weymouth, Massachusetts, is by all media accounts, “financially and structurally sound.”

Given my dwindling checking account and leaky roof, I think that’s swell. As far as it goes.

The parish is one of 82 slated for closure by the Archdiocese of Boston.

Not being one in the decision-making process of the Archdiocese (a very good piece of news for all concerned!), I don’t know why Saint Albert the Great is closing. At this point, God help me, I don’t really care.

Because as cool as financial and structural soundness indeed is, my concern right now is more on the spiritual side. And frankly, I’m befuddled as heck.

It started with a Boston Globe article and a phone conversation.

On August 12, I read an article in The Boston Globe, and was struck by an odd quote from Saint Albert the Great pastor Father Ron Coyne. In it, he apparently told the reporter that he didn’t believe in Hell.

I was up in arms! Another screw-up (or so I thought) by the Globe. Sheesh, can’t those reporters get anything right about the Catholic Church? Of course Father Ron Coyne, whoever he was, said no such thing and I set out to prove it by giving the pastor a telephone call.

Here’s roughly how it went:

HE: Hello, Saint Albert the Great parish.

ME: Father Coyne, please.

HE: This is he.

ME: No kidding? Get outta here! (Okay, so I’m not known for my conversational savoir faire)

HE: This is Father Coyne. Who is calling, please?

ME: Hiya, Father Coyne. This is Kelly Clark.

HE: Good evening, Kelly.

ME: Good evening, Father, and do forgive the late hour —

(It was about 10:30 PM)

HE: No problem. What can I do for you?

ME: Well, see, Father, it’s like this. Today I read what I’m sure was a misquote in the Globe about your belief, or rather disbelief, in Hell, and —

HE: That wasn’t a misquote.

ME: Huh?

HE: I don’t believe in Hell.

ME: Oh. Um. That is. But. Uh. That is, I mean, uh —

(This is one reason why nobody will ever hire me to host a radio talk show.)

HE: Do you believe in Hell?

ME: Of course I do.

HE: Did your parents tell you about Hell?

ME: Well, yes. But it’s also a part of Catholic teaching. I mean, the Catechism —

HE: Ah, the Catechism. Okay, what is Hell?

ME: Truthfully? I don’t exactly know. All I know is that it’s an eternal separation from God.

HE: I suppose you receive Communion on the tongue.

(What I should have said was something like: “This apparent non sequitur gives me pause.” What came to mind was something like: “And what the bleep does that have to do with anything?”)

ME: Yes, I do.

HE: Why?

ME: Seems practical to me. It prevents the Host from dropping to the floor, for one thing.

(Somehow, I figured this wasn’t the time to bring up my views about consecrated hands, etc.)

HE: And would that be so terrible?

ME: It’s something to be avoided, isn’t it?

HE: Is it?

(It occurred to me that this conversation was going nowhere fast. Still, I tried.)

ME: Father, about Hell —

HE: Kelly, I’ve simply outgrown my need for Hell. I believe in God’s unconditional love.

ME: Well, gee, I do too, but — what do you mean, “outgrown?”

HE: Let me ask you something, Kelly. Suppose you got drunk on Saturday night. You woke up on Sunday with a hangover. You thought about going to Mass but decided to bag it. Would you be in “mortal sin?”

(I added the quotes because his inflection on the words “mortal sin” sounded as if he were making one of those annoying quote-mark-gestures with his fingers: you know what I mean.)

ME: Well, I hope I never find myself in that situation. But, to answer your question, yes, I would — at least I hope I would! — consider myself in serious, or mortal, sin and would — again, I sure I hope I would! — get myself to confession.

HE: I see. And if you died before getting to confession?

ME: That would be terrible.

HE: Why? Don’t you think God would forgive you?

ME: Yes, I do, as long as I was sincerely sorry and for heaven’s sake asked for forgiveness.

HE: I see.

(I was beginning to think I was in a session with a shrink. Or maybe under interrogation by the “good cop,” with the “bad cop” waiting in the wings to blast my pitiful attempts at apologetics into smithereens. I hadn’t expected this sort of conversation. I hadn’t expected any conversation, to speak of. Call me naïve, but I really only expected — or hoped — that Father Coyne would tell me that the Globe had misquoted him, and that would’ve been that.)

ME: Well, Father, I can’t say I’m not disappointed. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

HE: I’m glad.

(I wasn’t glad at all, frankly. We talked a bit about my parish, his parish, the fact that he knew my parish priests, that sort of thing. Key point: Father Ron Coyne is an extremely pleasant, and extremely likeable man.)

ME: Well, I’ve held you up long enough, Father.

HE: Not at all.

ME: You and your parishioners are in my prayers.

HE: Thank you, but pretty soon I won’t have any parishioners.

ME: I know. I’m sorry. God bless you.

HE: Thank you.

ME: Goodnight.

HE: Goodnight.

(click)

Good grief.

I don’t want to delve deeply into my angst subsequent to this rather peculiar conversation. Suffice to say I tossed and turned, prayed, drank some hot milk with a spot of brandy in it, wrote a quasi-hysterical e-mail to a pal, prayed some more, prowled around the house, prayed again, and finally slept.

A few days later, I spoke about the conversation to my parish priest.

I’d halfway expected him to be Shocked, Shocked, Shocked. However, he was Not, Not, Not.

On the contrary. As soon as I mentioned Father Coyne’s name, he laughed. Not unkindly. Still, it made me squirm.

The whole thing still does. Because what I learned is that most Archdiocesan priests in the Boston area, along with most if not all of the hierarchy members, are completely familiar with Father Ron Coyne’s at-odds-with-Church-teaching “perspectives.”

Such as:

“`I'm not telling people not to come to confession,’ he said. `They're just not coming. They're not worried about going to hell.’ Does he believe in hell? `No.’”

As we have learned, this was not a misquote.

“He has said that Catholicism, with its dwindling number of parishioners and priests, must look to its Episcopal brethren for its future.”

Our Episcopal brethren? Surely, if we’re concerned about “dwindling numbers,” that’s probably not the greatest idea, with all due respect to my Anglican friends.

"`We have to deal honestly with the issue of married priests, with women being ordained and with gays in our society, our church and the priesthood,' he said."

Honestly speaking, the Church can not ordain women. Honestly speaking, homosexual activity is a sin. And, about this “dealing honestly with gays in the priesthood?” How can we do that when we insist on avoiding the huge homosexual nature of clerical abuse of minors over the last half-century or so?

“Hey, Kelly, how come you didn’t bring this stuff up during your phone call?”

Good question. Honestly, I wasn’t really thinking about this other stuff. I was hell-bent, so to speak, on proving that Father Ron Coyne really did acknowledge that Hell exists.

I failed at that. Thanks be to God, the Church doesn’t need me — or Father Ron Coyne, for that matter — to make Her point about Hell. It exists. Don’t take my word for it. Check out the Catechism.

“Speaking of `point,’ Kelly — hint, hint!”

Gotcha. Well, there’s a few.

First? I didn’t write this — despite how it might read — as a condemnation of Father Ron Coyne.

Father Ron Coyne, from everything I’ve heard, has got to be one of the nicest, most patient, and most hard-working men around, bar none. I mean, think of it: how many people do you know who’d take a late-night call from a complete stranger and not show a bit of impatience?

Father Ron Coyne runs Saint Albert the Great parish all by himself. He’s got over 2,000 parishioners to look after. And they love him! During a recent Mass, parishioners hung a huge banner in the church reading:

“Father Coyne, you’re the greatest!”

(There’s, to me anyway, a problem here, although I’m sure the parishioners didn’t think about it. As always — but especially at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass — there’s only one “Greatest.”)

Second? As disturbing as it is to me — and I sincerely hope, to you — the parishioners at Saint Albert the Great and probably (I hope I’m wrong but I’ll bet I’m not) are buying into this notion of “outgrowing Hell.”

Third? How come, given the fact that Father Coyne’s teachings (and God only knows how many other priests are teaching the same thing, by the way) are so well known, nobody in power has apparently succeeded in correcting them?

I mean, sooner or later, there’s going to be — forgive me — Hell to pay.

This just in:

The parishioners of Saint Albert the Great are suing the Archdiocese of Boston, claiming that they, not the Archdiocese, own the property.

Hell to pay.

Oremus.

I ask — beg, really — that you keep Father Ron Coyne, his former and future parishioners and the Archdiocese of Boston in your prayers.

Pray that we never grow up enough to “outgrow” our awareness of Hell.

And pray for me, too. I pray for you all the time.

In Christ,

Kelly

Endnotes:

Boston Globe article on Father Ron Coyne

http://www.boston.com/news/globe/living/articles/2004/08/12/man_in_the_middle?pg=3

Saint Albert the Great parishioners sue Archdiocese

http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=76527

And now for the fine print:

Kelly Clark is your basic nobody. She serves on no parish councils, belongs to none of the myriad of designer-chic "Catholic" groups, or any Catholic group, for that matter, other than the Roman Catholic Church. Holding no theology degrees, she has no desire to see herself or any of her sex wearing a clerical collar. She figures Jesus knew what He was doing when He established His Church, and also figures that it’s His Church, not hers, and not yours. She’s an ordinary parishioner of Cathedral of the Holy Cross, Boston.

Use the links on the left to e-mail Kelly, to visit her parish, read past columns, and check out other cool stuff. (If you don’t see any links on the left, you’ve probably been directed here by a search engine. Just point your browser to http://www.pewlady.com to get to the main site.)

Copyright: Kelly Clark, 2004. I don’t care if you share this stuff with others. In fact, I hope you do! Only I’d appreciate it if you’d link me, or print it off as it is. In other words, don’t change anything. Thanks.

“The Lady in the Pew” column is updated regularly, God willing. To be notified of updates, please e-mail me. The link’s on the left.

“Mary, Mother of the Church, pray for us.”