THOSE CRAZY CATHEDRALITES!

(it’s official folks: according to the Boston Globe, we’re insane)

by Kelly Clark: the lady in the pew — December 6, 2002

Back in September, “Voice of the Faithful” ™ guru Anthony Massimini pronounced folks who disagreed with the group “dysfunctional.”

On Thursday, December 5, 2002, The Voice of The Faithful ™ Gazette & Priests Forum Bugle (also known as the Boston Globe) apparently narrowed the lunacy label to Cathedral of the Holy Cross parishioners. Columnist Adrian Walker wondered how “any sane person” could worship at the Cathedral under Cardinal Law’s direction.

Hey, Mister Walker, sir? For the record, I’m not exactly thrilled with your questioning my sanity, or that of my fellow parishioners.

(Not that my sanity has never been questioned, you understand, but I’m talking about this particular instance.)

The front page of the same issue ...

... is adorned with a color portrait depicting Bill Clinton as an elder statesman.

Wait!!! Correction!!! That’s not Bill Clinton! It’s none other than that devil-may-care cleric of the beautiful people: Father (“call me Walter”) Cuenin!

Against a creatively lit backdrop of stained windows, the padre, awash in a light (no doubt meant to symbolize heavenly approval), strikes a manful yet pensive pose, one hand resting lightly on an elaborately carved pew, the other, with carefully posed carelessness, in the pocket of his jeans.

I wonder how long that photo session took!

Funny, isn’t it?

Whenever a picture of Cardinal Law appears in the Globe, enormous pains are taken to make sure my pastor looks as haggard as possible. And when that’s not vicious enough, the paper hires a cartoonist to create evil-looking caricatures of him.

But, when it comes to a priest who (loudly) questions Church teaching on everything from birth control to women’s ordination, then hey, let’s get the make-up artist in on the action. And, I suspect, a hairstylist to smooth down any unfortunate cowlicks.

But back to the “sanity” issue:

Adrian Walker might well indeed question the sanity of Cathedral parishioners. He might well ask:

How can any sane person expose himself to screaming abuse, Sunday after Sunday?

How can any sane person expose her kids to vulgar remarks, Sunday after Sunday?

How can any sane person deliberately walk among signs cruelly depicting her beloved pastor in a manner strikingly similar to the “artwork” presented to us by the Boston Globe?

Wait a second: I sense a parenthetical exchange approaching —

(“Uh, Kelly? Speaking of “sanity:” what’s with you reading the Boston Globe, anyway?”

Yikes! Good question, but I can explain, I really can. First, it comes to my office every day. And second, I really like the comics. Especially “Rose is Rose,” “For Better or for Worse,” and “Mallard Fillmore.” And no, I’m not like the guy who says he really only buys Playboy to read the articles!)

Back to Adrian Walker’s question on the sanity of Cathedral parishioners:

The simple answer is, well, simple. Cathedral parishioners worship at their parish church for the same reason other Catholics worship at other parish churches: to get as close as possible to Jesus. It really doesn’t matter who the presider is. If he’s an ordained priest, he will replicate the Holy Sacrifice made by Jesus Christ at the Last Supper.

For my friends in, say, Newton and Wellesley, let me make this even clearer:

It doesn’t matter who the celebrant is. It could be Bernard Cardinal Law, Father (“call me Walter”) Cuenin, or, were he still in ministry, Paul Shanley.

But there are secondary reasons why we choose to worship at the Cathedral.

For openers, we’re protected from false teaching. You won’t, for example, hear about the niceties of artificial birth control from the Cathedral pulpit.

Our kids won’t be taught to, for example, abandon the “magical notion of sacraments and magicians as priests and bishops who administer them.”

One lady joined the Cathedral parish just a few months ago. Why? Because, among other reasons, her former parish, situated in one of the South Shore’s poshier suburbs, promotes a “youth ministry” involving body piercing and chains. Add the fact that the parish’s liturgy has evolved into, in her words, “a freak show,” her weekly trip to the Cathedral seems to be well worth the hour-long commute.

Adrian Walker might question her sanity. I don’t.

At my parish church, we’re spared the sight of “eucharistic ministers” standing importantly in the sanctuary, self-communicating right along with the celebrants.

I could go on, but I’m thinking I’ve made my point. For those of you, like, one presumes, Mister Walker, don’t think I have, here it is:

Parishioners who chose to worship at Cathedral of the Holy Cross demonstrate, in the view from my pew, a profound sense of sanity.

As do our guest worshippers.

Speaking of guests: better brew an extra pot of coffee this Sunday!

In a stunning example of non-news, the press reported that whoever the current “Voice of the Faithful ™” president is (I’ve given up trying to keep them straight, they change so often) sent word to the group’s membership to demonstrate outside my parish church this Sunday.

Excuse me? Like they’re not there demonstrating every Sunday? C’mon! I realize The Globe thinks we’re insane, and that “Voice of the Faithful ™” thinks we’re dysfunctional addicts, but gee, folks, we’re not stupid!

However, as long as we’re on the subject of the “Voice of the Protestors,” I’ve got a simple request:

Please leave at least a few donuts for us parishioners to enjoy after Mass!

That’s just common courtesy. (Hint: you can discover the meaning of the word “courtesy” in any dictionary.)

No Cathedral parishioner begrudges you guys “sneaking” downstairs to the hospitality area to indulge in donut and a cup of coffee. (Thought you were putting one over on us, didn’t you?)

But let’s not be piggish about it. You can see for yourselves that the donuts are already cut into halves. Unlike, say, Father (call me “Walter”) Cuenin’s parish, which the Globe describes as “vibrant,” (that, apparently, being the Globe’s word for “wealthy,”) ours isn’t made up of people with fat wallets. So give us a break.

And, incidentally, that little cup on the table — the one with the dollar bill in it? — is there for a reason. Feel as free to put a buck or so into that cup as you do to put your two cents worth into our faces. You got that? Thank you.

Speaking of money issues:

In calling for my pastor’s resignation (which is what all the hoopla is, and has been since ‘way before last January, all about) Boston adman Jack Connors made a rather remarkable statement, regarding a drop in parish collections:

“We need to get Cardinal Law to resign so we can get back to our mission, which is to help the poor.”

Two things about this statement struck me as, well, wacky (if not insane).

The first, of course, is that “helping the poor” isn’t the “our mission.” Getting people to Heaven is our mission. Helping the poor in monetary ways is probably one way to help ourselves get to Heaven, of course, but it’s only one way.

In the same article, it was reported that two — two! — of Father (CMW) Cuenin’s parishioners have decided not to go to Mass anymore. Now that’s a problem! “Pop” theology to the contrary, the last time I looked, deliberate separation from Sunday Eucharistic Sacrifice puts one’s soul in danger of grave sin. Being in a state of grave sin isn’t how one achieves Heaven. If Jack Connors (and Father Cuenin) are so concerned about fulfilling “our mission,” then the needn’t look beyond their own press clippings of this past week to find a good place to start.

The second jarring note about Jack Connors’ statement comes from the front page headline in the very same issue of the Globe:

“Mass. Woes Called Worst Since ‘30s.”

The article describes the Massachusetts budgetary crisis as the worst since the Depression.

Hey, Jack? You think maybe this might have just a little something to do with the drop in collections? I’m no economist, but doesn’t 2+2 still equal 4?

“Ah, Kelly. Whaddya gonna do?”

I don’t know. Except for one thing. God willing, I’ll worship this Sunday at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross.

It just seems like the sane thing to do.

And now for the fine print:

Kelly Clark is your basic nobody. She serves on no parish councils, belongs to none of the myriad of designer-chic "Catholic" groups, or any Catholic group, for that matter, other than the Roman Catholic Church. Holding no theology degrees, she has no desire so see herself or any of her sex wearing a clerical collar. She figures Jesus knew what He was doing when He established His Church, and also figures that it’s His Church, not hers, and not yours. She’s an ordinary parishioner of Cathedral of the Holy Cross, Boston. Use the links on the left to e-mail Kelly, or to visit her parish.

Copyright: Kelly Clark, 2002. I don’t care if you share this stuff with others. In fact, I hope you do! Only I’d appreciate it if you’d link me, or print it off as it is. In other words, don’t change anything. Thanks.

“The Lady in the Pew” column is updated weekly, God willing. To be notified of updates, please e-mail me. The link’s on the left.

“Mary, Mother of the Church, pray for us.”