I have no more babies: A toddles now (and navigates
down stairs) and B is too old for "toddler" and is best termed a
pre-schooler
(regardless of attendance). Both of them play incredibly well by
themselves
and with each other with me nearby in an advisory role. I find
that
I am now more able to keep up with myself and am working more to regain
lost
ground. Friendships left fallow to lavish, celebrations to
recognize
late, web pages to update, piles of pictures to put in order,
refrigerator
coils to vacuum. Yes, K, the many months old e-mail that you were
expecting (congratulations to S) is near the top of the list in my
oh-so-daunting
e-mailbox.
At the same time that I find myself able to do more
for
me, I realize things work best if I still have few expectations about
what
I can do during my workday. This is not easy for me - Lower
self-expectations
(dust go to sleep and all that) are hard for me still and a lesson I
keep
wrestling with. Mothering is still best performed with me present
and
attentive rather than exasperated about not being able to finish some
project
or another. If I can play with them when they want to play with
me,
they are happy to play without me other times.
Nevertheless, I think it is important for me to be
more
fully myself, reaching towards who I want to be and not put off my
dreams.
Important not just for me, and my relationship with my husband,
but
also for my kids. It is important for me to be a woman AND a mom.
B
enjoys the distinction of making me into a mother ("Talk about it," he
says.),
but especially since both of my kids are boys, I want to show them what
a
woman, what a mom, can be and do. A mom's purpose is not slavish
service to
the family. I've
always hated the signs in workplace kitchens announcing
"Please Pick Up After Yourself. Your Mother Doesn't Work Here."
A mom's
purpose is to birth and nurse her kids. A family's purpose is to
grow happy and healthy people from small ones. Men and women
together
maintain the home, teach the kids, grow the lessons, set the examples.
I
want B and A to grow up and love someone who will put herself first
sometimes; an equal, a partner.
Of course, part of who I
want to
be is a great mother.
And I surely do enjoy being home with my kids and the activities
we
share. Hiking, swimming, our tiny 4-parent co-operative
preschool,
park days, library runs, music classes, game nights... All of
these
I want to transplant to our new digs in Seattle when we move back.
And
I have plans and ideas about new traditions and rituals I'd like to
create
for our family. It's exciting, this planning for a new space, a
new
place. As sad as I am to be leaving friends and patterns here in
the
Bay Area, I am eager to start our lives again in what feels more like
home
to me.
There will be some tough transitions, I expect.
Neither
A, B, nor Quixl has lived where it rains. We will be leaving
playmates they've known a child's forever. B knows how to get to
J's house and cheers "Yeah! We're here!" in J and K's driveway.
Both of them know the shape of our house from first steps to
cement
bruises, playing chase through the kitchen-dining room-living
room-hall,
learning the height of front steps versus back, the taste of aptinia,
the
flight properties of lantana flowers, the shower tile patterns. I
wonder
if they will remember this house.
Both B and A are wonderful amazing. They
have navigated other transitions with aplomb and ease. I am
confident
the change will be beneficial, even if only to make their parents
happier
people.
We are moving closer to where and who we want to be,
slowly,
surely, one week at a time. Yes, there is much to do, but look
how
far we've come already!
Peace,
No