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February 15, 2011
Today marks the six month anniversary of my arrival
back in the United States after living abroad in Holland for nearly
three years. Next week we go on vacation to the Bay Area in
California. It was at our six month mark after our move to the
Netherlands that we came back to Seattle on vacation, and it was at
that time that things started turning around for us. The misery
that had been a big part of transitioning let up and we started doing
more and being happier. I've been looking to this day to be the
turn-around point for myself. I'm hopeful, most of the time, that
this point will mark the beginning of the upswing back to my normal
happy. Because, frankly, it's been pretty tough. I've been
lonely and disconnected, unhappy and overwhelmed, burying myself in my
vices and refusing all too often to do the writing and running that
keep me on an even keel. I have read well over a hundred books,
played way too much spider (and deleted it from my phone dozens of
times), and spent hours and hours getting our music library in shape
despite the urgency of other tasks. I mostly unpacked the house
except for the garage and piles of projects, such as the sewing, the
art cabinet, and all the photos and frames and negatives that need
putting together. I hurried to get our Christmas picture taken in
early December, then got the letters folded in with the pictures before
Christmas, and they have been sitting on a shelf waiting for labels and
stamps ever since. I have allowed my e-mail box to stuff itself
until I am immobile (again), and I have nearly ceased activity on
Facebook not because I haven't craved the connection, but because I
felt stupid, incapable, guilty, and unworthy. I am frustrated by
my failings and my feelings. I have been impatient with myself
and unkind in ways I wouldn't tolerate in anyone else. I am ready
for all of that to change.
I am making progress. I am running more.
I am starting to make the personal and social connections that will
keep me from feeling invisible at the schoolyard and at home. The
weather is helping and I am able to work in the garden, something that
gives me calm and satisfaction. Things feels more possible.
The dog gave me a bit of a scare over the weekend;
he started limping badly and having trouble getting around. I
suddenly realized that there was no way for him to go to the bathroom
without navigating some stairs. While waiting for the vet
appointment, I thought about needing to start a sod garden on the deck
just for him. Since then he's had x-rays of his knees and the
news is positive; it's not a big tear of his ligament, and the joint
mouse is an unlikely cause as it is buried in a fat pad, so the
conservative course of rest, pain meds and anti-inflammatories is how
we will move forward. In addtion, he's not losing weight any
more, and
is a couple of pounds over his last vet visit in January. The
realization by A and B earlier this winter that the dog was aging and
might have
another five years in him put the boys in heartbroken tears
already, even though he was healthy. I am glad that the news now
is
not more dire. He's
such a good, sweet, wonderful dog.
I've started, for the first time in my life, to
limit my calories, actually tracking them and recording them. I
have always relied on my fitness and my sense of satiety in the past,
but I am getting older and I don't like the shape I am in. I'd
like to get back to feeling and looking fit, and stop eating to fill
other cravings, something I've not had a lot of trouble with in the
past, but has snuck up on me in the last six months. I've
committed to running a marathon in the fall, which will help too.
As it is, the boxes of Thin Mints have gone directly to the freezer
unopened.
As always, there are lots of things I'd like to
do/get done. More
than are likely, or likely possible. I am going to do the wise
thing
now, and not list them all. Partly to save myself guilt from not
finishing them all when I've written them down, and partly in response
to a TED talk I saw that suggested that when you set a goal and then
tell people about it, you get a rush of accomplishment that actually
detracts from the likelihood that you will reach the goal.
When I was in fourth grade, I loved my
teacher. For Christmas, I
told her I would make for her a series of magazine issues to run the
rest of the year. I can't now tell you any single thing that was
in
the long first issue I gave her, but I can still feel the shame of not
completing all the issues I said I would. I was
just-turned-nine. I'm
sure and certain that if ever she would think about or come across the
product of my labors, she wouldn't blame me for not delivering the
promised ones. So why can't I do the same?
This is an issue (obviously) that I have struggled
with a lot over
the course of my life. I am ready for that to change too. I
know that
it requires a hell of a lot more than any quick fix, but perhaps if
instead of concentrating my energy on changing the things I do poorly,
I pour it into enhancing the things I do well. I do a great job
at
single-minded project organization, taking chaos and bringing order to
it, and finishing things that can be finished. If after I finish
with
the music, I pick my next project well, and look at it as a game to
win/puzzle to solve, I can bulldoze through obstacles that might
otherwise stop me if I spent time beating myself up because I wasn't
doing everything at once. I'm sure you'll hear from me again on
this
topic.
And that will have to be that for today. I'm
wrung out.
January 13, 2011
Hoo boy. Another year sped past. I just
re-read my first
ever
blog
entry from six years ago and am amused at how far and how
near that time is to this. Six years later and I am again in the
same house in January after not having lived here most of the previous
year. My niece turns 21 in a few days, both kids are in school
now, though neither of them ties shoelaces on any sort of regular basis
(velcro is a blessing and a curse simultaneously), and we recently
abandoned a produce delivery service because of rampant unwanted
substitutions in favor of buying local foods and from farmers
markets. I've been reading The Rolling Stones by Heinlen to the
boys in the evenings, C and I are enjoying tv shows we missed or
started in Europe by way of Netflix on demand, and several years of
successful poker "chip" management of the boys' screen time was ditched
last year in favor of attempts to get them to learn self-management of
screen time and balance with the rest of their lives. They
received 5 new Wii games for Christmas they are enjoying, but although
we have a (large) tv now, we don't get broadcast television or have a
DVR, and I have not yet instituted the movie nights where we share with
the boys our favorite appropriate movies.
I want to do so much. I'm still struggling
with balancing all I want to do, all I think I should do, and all I am
actually able to do, with what I do. I'm not particularly pleased
that this struggle defines so much of me. If struggles define a
person, and I was suddenly able to resolve this one -actually do all I
wanted to do-, what would I pick as a struggle to wrestle with
next? I'll have to think about that.
I'm also still fighting back to normal after the
move. Writing and running have helped (as I knew they would even
as I failed to do either), and finding some buddies during the school
day will help too. I've given up on finding the old dish drainer,
even though there are a couple unopened boxes (marked garage tools),
and even went to Freddie's to get another earlier today. Of
course, while I successfully returned the too-small boy pajamas on the
top floor, and bought peanut butter and game night groceries next door,
despite writing it down in Epic Win, I failed to remember to head down
the escalator and actually buy the dish drainer until I'd gotten home
again. The house is full full full of things to sort, organize,
complete, and put away. I have Christmas still to put away, a
mountain of dishes, Quicken to do, and am very thankful that my niece
is willing to clean for cash, so that there will be less work for all
of us before company comes on Saturday. Pictures still haven't
gotten on the walls, though the big map is hung, and our garage still
lacks room for a car. We've all settled in to our nest, but I'm
still trying to adjust the feathers and sticks a bit. Some of
them poke.
Time to put some music on and go do.