I seem sixty and married, but these effects are due to my condition and sufferings,
for I am a bachelor, and only forty-one. It will be hard for you to believe that I, who
am now but a shadow, was a hale, hearty man two short years ago, -- a man of iron,
a very athlete! -- yet such is the simple truth. But stranger still than this fact is the
way in which I lost my health. I lost it through helping to take care of a box of guns
on a two-hundred-mile railway journey one winter's night. It is the actual truth, and I
will tell you about it.
I belong in Cleveland, Ohio. One winter's night, two years ago, I reached home just
after dark, in a driving snow-storm, and the first thing I heard when I entered the
house was that my dearest boyhood friend and schoolmate, John B. Hackett, had
died the day before, and that his last utterance had been a desire that I would take
his remains home to his poor old father and mother in Wisconsin. I was greatly
shocked and grieved, but there was no time to waste in emotions; I must start at
once. I took the card, marked "Deacon Levi Hackett, Bethlehem, Wisconsin," and
hurried off through the whistling storm to the railway station. Arrived there I found
the long white-pine box which had been described to me; I fastened the card to it
with some tacks, saw it put safely aboard the express car, and then ran into the
eating-room to provide myself with a sandwich and some cigars. When I returned,
presently, there was my coffin-box back again, apparently, and a young fellow
examining around it, with a card in his hand, and some tacks and a hammer! I was
astonished and puzzled. He began to nail on his card, and I rushed out to the express
car, in a good deal of a state of mind, to ask for an explanation. But no -- there was
my box, all right, in the express car; it hadn't been disturbed. [The fact is that
without my suspecting it a prodigious mistake had been made. I was carrying off a
box of guns which that young fellow had come to the station to ship to a rifle
company in Peoria, Illinois, and he had got my corpse!] Just then the conductor sung
out "All aboard," and I jumped into the express car and got a comfortable seat on a
bale of buckets. The expressman was there, hard at work, -- a plain man of fifty,
with a simple, honest, good-natured face, and a breezy, practical heartiness in his
general style. As the train moved off a stranger skipped into the car and set a
package of peculiarly mature and capable Limburger cheese on one end of my
coffin-box -- I mean my box of guns. That is to say, I know now that it was
Limburger cheese, but at that time I never had heard of the article in my life, and of
course was wholly ignorant of its character. Well, we sped through the wild night,
the bitter storm raged on, a cheerless misery stole over me, my heart went down,
down, down! The old expressman made a brisk remark or two about the tempest
and the arctic weather, slammed his sliding doors to, and bolted them, closed his
window down tight, and then went bustling around, here and there and yonder,
setting things to rights, and all the time contentedly humming "Sweet By and By," in
a low tone, and flatting a good deal. Presently I began to detect a most evil and
searching odor stealing about on the frozen air. This depressed my spirits still more,
because of course I attributed it to my poor departed friend. There was something
infinitely saddening about his calling himself to my remembrance in this dumb
pathetic way, so it was hard to keep the tears back. Moreover, it distressed me on
account of the old expressman, who, I was afraid, might notice it. However, he went
humming tranquilly on, and gave no sign; and for this I was grateful. Grateful, yes,
but still uneasy; and soon I began to feel more and more uneasy every minute, for
every minute that went by that odor thickened up the more, and got to be more and
more gamey and hard to stand. Presently, having got things arranged to his
satisfaction, the expressman got some wood and made up a tremendous fire in his
stove. This distressed me more than I can tell, for I could not but feel that it was a
mistake. I was sure that the effect would be deleterious upon my poor departed
friend. Thompson -- the expressman's name was Thompson, as I found out in the
course of the night -- now went poking around his car, stopping up whatever stray
cracks he could find, remarking that it didn't make any difference what kind of a
night it was outside, he calculated to make us comfortable, anyway. I said nothing,
but I believed he was not choosing the right way. Meantime he was humming to
himself just as before; and meantime, too, the stove was getting hotter and hotter,
and the place closer and closer. I felt myself growing pale and qualmish, but grieved
in silence and said nothing. Soon I noticed that the "Sweet By and By" was gradually fading out; next it ceased altogether, and there was an ominous stillness. After
a few moments Thompson said,--
"Pfew! I reckon it ain't no cinnamon 't I've loaded up thish-yer stove with!"
He gasped once or twice, then moved toward the cof -- gun-box, stood over that
Limburger cheese part of a moment, then came back and sat down near me, looking
a good deal impressed. After a contemplative pause, he said, indicating the box with
"Friend of yourn?"
"Yes," I said with a sigh.
"He's pretty ripe, ain't he!"
Nothing further was said for perhaps a couple of minutes, each being busy with his
own thoughts; then Thompson said, in a low, awed voice,--
"Sometimes it's uncertain whether they're really gone or not, -- seem gone, you
know -- body warm, joints limber -- and so, although you think they're gone, you
don't really know. I've had cases in my car. It's perfectly awful, becuz you don't
know what minute they'll rise up and look at you!" Then, after a pause, and slightly
lifting his elbow toward the box, -- "But he ain't in no trance! No, sir, I go bail for
We sat some time, in meditative silence, listening to the wind and the roar of the
train; then Thompson said, with a good deal of feeling,--
"Well-a-well, we've all got to go, they ain't no getting around it. Man that is born of
woman is of few days and far between, as Scriptur' says. Yes, you look at it any
way you want to, it's awful solemn and cur'us: they ain't nobody can get around it;
all's got to go -- just everybody, as you may say. One day you're hearty and
strong"--here he scrambled to his feet and broke a pane and stretched his nose out at
it a moment or two, then sat down again while I struggled up and thrust my nose out
at the same place, and this we kept on doing every now and then -- "and next day
he's cut down like the grass, and the places which knowed him then knows him no
more forever, as Scriptur' says. Yes'ndeedy, it's awful solemn and cur'us; but we've
all got to go, one time or another; they ain't no getting around it."
There was another long pause; then, --
"What did he die of?"
I said I didn't know.
"How long has he ben dead?"
It seemed judicious to enlarge the facts to fit the probabilities; so I said,--
"Two or three days."
But it did no good; for Thompson received it with an injured look which plainly
said, "Two or three years, you mean." Then he went right along, placidly ignoring
my statement, and gave his views at considerable length upon the unwisdom of
putting off burials too long. Then he lounged off toward the box, stood a moment,
then came back on a sharp trot and visited the broken pane, observing,--
"'Twould 'a' ben a dum sight better, all around, if they'd started him along last
Thompson sat down and buried his face in his red silk handkerchief, and began to
slowly sway and rock his body like one who is doing his best to endure the almost
unendurable. By this time the fragrance -- if you may call it fragrance -- was just
about suffocating, as near as you can come at it. Thompson's face was turning gray;
I knew mine hadn't any color left in it. By and by Thompson rested his forehead in
his left hand, with his elbow on his knee, and sort of waved his red handkerchief
towards the box with his other hand, and said,--
"I've carried a many a one of 'em, -- some of 'em considerable overdue, too, -- but,
lordy, he just lays over 'em all! -- and does it easy. Cap., they was heliotrope to
This recognition of my poor friend gratified me, in spite of the sad circumstances,
because it had so much the sound of a compliment.
Pretty soon it was plain that something had got to be done. I suggested cigars. Thompson thought it was a good idea. He said,--
"Likely it'll modify him some."
We puffed gingerly along for a while, and tried hard to imagine that things were improved. But it wasn't any use. Before very long, and without any consultation, both
cigars were quietly dropped from our nerveless fingers at the same moment.
Thompson said, with a sigh,--
"No, Cap., it don't modify him worth a cent. Fact is, it makes him worse, becuz it
appears to stir up his ambition. What do you reckon we better do, now?"
I was not able to suggest anything; indeed, I had to be swallowing and swallowing,
all the time, and did not like to trust myself to speak. Thompson fell to maundering,
in a desultory and low-spirited way, about the miserable experiences of this night;
and he got to referring to my poor friend by various titles, -- sometimes military
ones, sometimes civil ones; and I noticed that as fast as my poor friend's
effectiveness grew, Thompson promoted him accordingly, -- gave him a bigger title.
Finally he said,--
"I've got an idea. Suppos'n we buckle down to it and give the Colonel a bit of a
shove towards t'other end of the car? -- about ten foot, say. He wouldn't have so
much influence, then, don't you reckon?"
I said it was a good scheme. So we took in a good fresh breath at the broken pane,
calculating to hold it till we got through; then we went there and bent over that
deadly cheese and took a grip on the box. Thompson nodded "All ready," and then
we threw ourselves forward with all our might; but Thompson slipped, and slumped
down with his nose on the cheese, and his breath got loose. He gagged and gasped,
and floundered up and made a break for the door, pawing the air and saying,
hoarsely, "Don't hender me! -- gimme the road! I'm a-dying; gimme the road!" Out
on the cold platform I sat down and held his head a while, and he revived. Presently
"Do you reckon we started the Gen'rul any?"
I said no; we hadn't budged him.
"Well, then, that idea's up the flume. We got to think up something else. He's suited
wher' he is, I reckon; and if that's the way he feels about it, and has made up his
mind that he don't wish to be disturbed, you bet he's a-going to have his own way in
the business. Yes, better leave him right wher' he is, long as he wants it so; becuz he
holds all the trumps, don't you know, and so it stands to reason that the man that
lays out to alter his plans for him is going to get left."
But we couldn't stay out there in that mad storm; we should have frozen to death. So
we went in again and shut the door, and began to suffer once more and take turns at
the break in the window. By and by, as we were starting away from a station where
we had stopped a moment Thompson pranced in cheerily, and exclaimed, --
"We're all right, now! I reckon we've got the Commodore this time. I judge I've got
the stuff here that'll take the tuck out of him."
It was carbolic acid. He had a carboy of it. He sprinkled it all around everywhere; in
fact he drenched everything with it, rifle-box, cheese and all. Then we sat down,
feeling pretty hopeful. But it wasn't for long. You see the two perfumes began to
mix, and then -- well, pretty soon we made a break for the door; and out there
Thompson swabbed his face with his bandanna and said in a kind of disheartened
"It ain't no use. We can't buck agin him. He just utilizes everything we put up to
modify him with, and gives it his own flavor and plays it back on us. Why, Cap.,
don't you know, it's as much as a hundred times worse in there now than it was
when he first got a-going. I never did see one of 'em warm up to his work so, and
take such a dumnation interest in it. No, sir, I never did, as long as I've ben on the
road; and I've carried a many a one of 'em, as I was telling you."
We went in again, after we were frozen pretty stiff; but my, we couldn't stay in,
now. So we just waltzed back and forth, freezing, and thawing, and stifling, by
turns. In about an hour we stopped at another station; and as we left it Thompson
came in with a bag, and said,--
"Cap., I'm a-going to chance him once more, -- just this once; and if we don't fetch
him this time, the thing for us to do, is to just throw up the sponge and withdraw
from the canvass. That's the way I put it up."
He had brought a lot of chicken feathers, and dried apples, and leaf tobacco, and
rags, and old shoes, and sulphur, and assafoetida, and one thing or another; and he
piled them on a breadth of sheet iron in the middle of the floor, and set fire to them.
When they got well started, I couldn't see, myself, how even the corpse could stand
it. All that went before was just simply poetry to that smell, -- but mind you, the
original smell stood up out of it just as sublime as ever, -- fact is, these other smells
just seemed to give it a better hold; and my, how rich it was! I didn't make these
reflections there -- there wasn't time -- made them on the platform. And breaking for
the platform, Thompson got suffocated and fell; and before I got him dragged out,
which I did by the collar, I was mighty near gone myself. When we revived,
Thompson said dejectedly,--
"We got to stay out here, Cap. We got to do it. They ain't no other way. The
Governor wants to travel alone, and he's fixed so he can outvote us."
And presently he added,--
"And don't you know, we're pisoned. It's our last trip, you can make up your mind to
it. Typhoid fever is what's going to come of this. I feel it a-coming right now. Yes,
sir, we're elected, just as sure as you're born."
We were taken from the platform an hour later, frozen and insensible, at the next
station, and I went straight off into a virulent fever, and never knew anything again
for three weeks. I found out, then, that I had spent that awful night with a harmless
box of rifles and a lot of innocent cheese; but the news was too late to save me;
imagination had done its work, and my health was permanently shattered; neither
Bermuda nor any other land can ever bring it back to me. This is my last trip; I am
on my way home to die.