"Humoresque for Passengers"

Here are some verses that I remember hearing as a school kid. They were set to the old tune, "Humoresque". According to the email message where I found them, they were "written by a man who later became a Supreme Court Justice." (two of my readers have informed me that several sources attribute these lyrics to Justice William O. Douglas.)

For anyone too young to remember, or who simply doesn't know;
The toilets in trains in the old days did not have holding tanks as they do now. They emptied directly onto the roadbed below the train. So when the train was in the station, the doors to the toilets were locked and a sign was posted explaining the situation. This little "ditty" explains it in another way.     ;>)

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is in the station. Darling, I love you!
We encourage constipation
While the train is in the station
Moonlight always makes me think of you.

If you wish to pass some water,
kindly call the pullman porter,
He'll place a vessel in the vestibule.
If the porter isn't here,
Try the platform in the rear-
The one in front is likely to be full.

If the ladies' room be taken,
Never feel the least forsaken,
Never show a sign of sad defeat.
Try the men's room in the hall,
And if some man has had the call,
He'll courteously relinquish you his seat.

If these efforts are in vain,
Then simply break a window pane-
A novel method used by very few.
My occupation after dark
Is goosing statues in the park,
If Sherman's horse can take it, why can't you?

Prev     Next
Site Map