People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: "<smack smack smack smack> Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"

Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. If these self-righteous motherfuckers really belived that heaven was all that great, and that it was a sure thing, just one beat of the heart away, they'd never wear seatbelts.

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"Uh-huh."

Dinosaurs.

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

"If you do a commercial, you're off the artistic radar for life, everything you say is suspect, and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd, falling into my drink."

You've all seen that Busch beer commercial, where the girl in the short hot pants opens the beer bottle on her belt buckle, leaves it there, and it foams over her hand and over the bottle and the voice over goes, "Get yourself a BUSCH." Hmm...  You know what that looks like? Nah, no way.

How about a positive LSD story? That would be newsworthy, don't you think? Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story:

"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves...

...and now here's Tom with the weather."

-- Bill Hicks

"You're not a human being until you're in my phone book."

"Pro-lifers killing doctors! AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAH! It's irony on the basic level, but it's still a fucking hoot."

"You'd never hear my opinion about stuff... like gays in the military. I'd say anyone dumb enough to want to join should be allowed in... aren't you all hired killers?! SHUT UP! Go hide in a foxhole until we need you to kill a bunch of brown people!"

"If you're so fucking pro-life, why don't you lock arms and block cemetaries instead?"

  Lenny Bruce and Others...

"It's just a good thing they didn't have electricity back then. Think of all the Christians with little electric chairs around their necks."

- Lenny Bruce

"Lenny Bruce died fighting for peoples right to say fuck in a public place."

- Buddy Hackett

"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."

- Elton John

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

- Emo Philips

"Sure you can trust the government. Just ask an Indian."

(Unknown)

"Once a ruler becomes religious, it [becomes] impossible for you to debate with him. Once someone rules in the name of religion, your lives become hell."

--Colonel Moammar Qaddafi

(at "the General People's Congress" in Tripoli in October, 1989)

"Computer games don't affect kids. If Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music."

(Unknown)

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-  -  - - ------------- - -  -  -

 A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Empire...

During one of the many anti-war protests in the days leading up to the invasion of Iraq, the police who were on protest peace-keeping duty thought it might be kinda funny to take some of the more vocal anti-war protestors and lock them up in a small fenced-in, barracaded area, located directly beside one of those made-up 'pro-war, pro-Bush' protest demonstrations that were being sponsored and promoted by Clear Channel Communications. When the pro-Bush crowd started trying to shout down the anti-war protestors by singing "God Bless America", the anti-war demonstrators just jumped right in and joined them in song! - By all accounts, (and their were many!) the anti-war side sang the song much louder, with far more feeling and far better than the pro-war side. After a few awkward, ironic and very unintentionally beautiful moments of both groups singing together, the pro-Bush protestors eventually fell dead silent, one-by-one, as the three-hundred and fifty plus protestors from the anti-war side of the barracade sang the entire song - all the way thru - to it's final conclusion, ALL FOUR VERSUS! Not missing even one word or flubbing so much as one line.

The local newspaper interviewed the two policemen who innitiated the "sing-off" and the reporter noted that as he was finishing his interview, one of the policemen said to the other "I think a few of 'em was ringers, I'm not really sure but that one old lady kinda looked my Sunday school Church choir leader."

The moral of this story is thus: You really shouldn't play "I'm more patriotic than you" with the little old lady who conducts the choir at your church, that's just plain 'un-American'!

(and besides that, she'll PROBABLY kick your ass!)

You cantainly see (from the picture shown below) just exactly what kind of brilliant, strategic, diabolic conservative minds that were up against. This is truly an epic global struggle, a test of political wills and a life and death struggle to decide the future direction of the most powerful and potentially lethal nation in the history of the world. In the end, it all boils down to this:

 It's simply a choice between "We the People" 

or "them what am illiterate".