Our friends send us lots of funny things. Here are a few of them. Thank you, thank you!
If YOU have a good one, please share it with us.
Jokes for Women… and Men Who Can Take It
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
A Man's Perspective
I know I'll never understand women.
How can they take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto their upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the roots,
and still be afraid of a spider.
Creation
A frustrated man says to his wife, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responds, "Allow me to explain:
"God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
"God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife are arguing and giving each other the silent treatment when he realizes that the next morning he needs
his wife to wake him at 5:00 for an early business flight.
Not wanting to break the silence (and LOSE), he writes a note: "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" and leaves it where he knows she
will find it.
The next morning he wakes at 9:00 AM and has missed his flight. Furious, he leaps up to see why his wife didn't wake him
and finds this note by the bed: "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Hell In A Handbag Clerk: That will be $17.50, please. Customer: Are you a Christian, dear? Clerk: Uhhh... Customer: Are you? Clerk: Well, no. Why do you want to know? Customer: Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please. Manager: Good morning ma'am, I hear you've been having a problem with the clerk? Customer: Oh, she didn't make any trouble. I just don't want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You
should be careful; she'll probably nick from the till when you're not looking. Manager: You're right, ma'am. I shall definitely have to reprimand her. Clerk:[surprised] What for? Manager: For not seeing the lady drop three Mars bars and a map of Europe into her bag while you were fetching me. Customer:[freezes, then looks at her bag] Good heavens! I must've been so distracted that I didn't even notice
the devil putting them there!
I Love Mustard – If you have children, you will relate to this true story
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light
brown Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but
was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our 6-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak
of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was my first and only time to sprint with my tongue protruding out. With a washcloth
in each hand, I did the sort of routine that shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard Poupon."
The 8 Monkeys
Reportedly based on actual experiments in the U.K.
Put eight monkeys into a room. A ladder in the middle of the room leads to a bunch of bananas hung from the ceiling.
Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon
enough, whenever a monkey climbs the ladder, all the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.
Soon, none of the eight monkeys will climb the ladder.
Remove one original monkey and put in a new monkey. He sees the bananas and the ladder, wonders why no other monkeys are doing
the obvious, and immediately starts up the ladder.
All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
He no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
Now, replace a second monkey. This newcomer climbs the ladder, and the others hammer the crap out of him.
This includes the first new monkey, who is grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time. He joins in the beating
because all the other monkeys are doing it. Yet he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
Replace the original monkeys, one by one, until eight new monkeys are in the room. None was ever sprayed by ice water, none
will climb the ladder, all will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, and not one has any idea why.
And that is how most corporate policy is established.
Fitness at Last
Fearing that my body might get out of shape, I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
chose an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Not quite funny... But it sure is FUN!
Email Tick Warning:
I hate when people forward bogus email warnings, and I've even done it myself a couple times unintentionally, but this one
is real... and it's important.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take off your
clothes and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!
THIS IS A SCAM! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
This is India.
It's where you
call when you
have a technical
problem with
your computer.
Ranch Economics
A man owns a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claims he is not paying proper wages to his help and sends
an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demands the agent.
"Well," replies the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room
and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit," the rancher goes on to say. "He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the
work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday
night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to: the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replies the rancher.
Political Correctness
It all just depends on how you look at some things...
While researching her own family tree, Judy Wallman, professional California genealogist, discovered this photo of her great-great
uncle Remus with an inscription on the back. She also learned that a prominent U.S. Senator shares this common ancestor, who
was hanged for horse theft and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
So Judy e-mailed the senator for more information about their relative. Believe it or not, he sent her this biographical
sketch:
"Remus was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings
with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
Remus passed away in 1889 during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing
collapsed."
And there you have it, folks – genuine POLITICAL SPIN.
Designated D...
A police patrol routinely parks outside a local pub. Late one evening the officer sees a man leaving the bar so drunk he
can barely walk. The officer watches him stumble around the parking lot and try his keys on five vehicles.
After what seems an eternity, the guy manages to find his car and fall into it. He sits there a few minutes as a number of
other patrons leave the bar and drive off. Finally he starts the car, switches the wipers on and off (it’s a fine dry
night), flicks the indicators on and off, toots the horn and then switches on the lights. He moves the vehicle forward a
few inches, reverses a little and then remains stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles leave.
At last he pulls out of the lot and starts driving slowly down the road. The officer starts up his patrol car, puts on the
flashing lights, pulls the guy over and carries out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the device shows no evidence the
man has consumed alcohol at all!
The officer is dumbfounded. "You’ll have to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer must be broken."
"I doubt it," says the guy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Are Women Born this Way?
Granny Giggles
Three mischievous old Grandmas are sitting on a bench outside their nursing home when a “Grandpa” walks by. One
Granny yells, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man says, "There's no way you can guess that, you old fools."
"Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed, but eager to prove them wrong, he drops his drawers.
"Turn around a couple of times and jump up and down a bit," one says. Then they all yell, "You're 87 years old!"
With his pants around his ankles, the old gent asks, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the ladies yell in unison, "We were at your birthday party yesterday.”
Teamwork
Domestic Tranquility
A man comes home and is greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purrs, “and
you can do anything you want.”
So he ties her up and goes golfing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A woman comes home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her
lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”
“Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn't matter,” she says. “Just get out.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A woman is frying eggs for her husband’s breakfast when her he bursts into the kitchen. “Careful,” he says,
“CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stares at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
He calmly replies, “Just showing you how it feels when I'm driving.”
The Secret to Long Life
A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar,
so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look!
What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"I'm thirty-four," she replied.
Global Warming
Lipstick
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and were putting it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after
they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
The principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls what effort was
required. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
Nuns in the Nude
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and their last instruction from the Mother Superior is that they must
not get even one drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint
in the nude. In the middle of the project there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that
no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Aphorisms
He who hesitates is probably right.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Isn't it odd that "40" in Roman numerals is "XL"?
Love is grand. Divorce is a couple of hundred grand.
Birds of a feather flock together – and crap on your car.
Ahh! Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
We finally stop lying about our age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things are worth standing in line for.
A kid has a middle name so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
When you are dissatisfied and long to go back to youth, think of algebra.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The easiest way to find something lost at your house is to buy a replacement.
We older people hate diets; by then, our body and our fat are really good friends.
Have you noticed that putting the words "The" and "IRS" together spells "Theirs"?
Long ago, men cursed, beat the ground with sticks and called it witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
First we forget names. Then we forget faces. Then we forget to pull up our zipper. Then we forget to pull it down.
The Yam Patch
An old Jamaican man lives alone in the country. He wants to dig his yam and sweet potato garden, but the ground is hard and
the patch is large.
His only son used to help him, but now he is in prison. The old man writes to his son and describes his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I can't plant my yellow yam and sweet potato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over and you would be happy to dig the
plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he receives a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
The next morning at 4 a.m., FBI agents and local police arrive and dig up the entire area. They find nothing. Then they
apologize to the old man and leave. Later that day another letter arrives:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant your yams and potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Air Traffic Control
While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Airlines' crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told
you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell
the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions
in about a half-hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US
Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control frequency fell terribly silent after this verbal bashing. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller
in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence. "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Priorities
An old lady is standing at the cruise ship rail holding her hat so that the wind won't blow it away.
A gentleman approaches her & says, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this wind?”
“Yes, I know,” says the lady, ”but I need both hands to hold onto my hat.”
“But madam,” he says, “you must know that your derriere is exposed!”
The woman looks down, then back up at the man. “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought
this hat!”
Trip to WAL-MART
Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my pal, Biscuit the Wonder Dog, when a woman behind
me in the checkout line asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
Well, I'm retired and have very little to do, so on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog… I was starting the Purina
Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because last time I ended up in the hospital. But I did lose 50 pounds by
the time I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
I told her that it’s essentially a perfect diet, because I just load my pants pockets with Purina nuggets and eat a
few every time I feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, it works well and I was going to try it again.
[I’ll mention here that everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.]
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital because the dog food poisoned me.
I said no, I stepped off the curb to sniff a Rottweiler's butt and a car hit us both.
[The guy behind her almost had a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.]
Now Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have lots of time to think up crazy answers, and not much to lose.
Write This Down
A couple in their 90’s are both having problems remembering things. At a checkup, the doctor tells them they're physically
okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?”
he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.'”
“Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake! I don't need
to write it down!” and toddles into the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, the old man returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where's my toast?”
Never choke in a Southern Restaurant
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!”
THE BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or wish we weren't married, this is something to smile
about the next time we see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on
the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently,
looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
September Song
Two old men fear they are nearing their final days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they
end up at the local brothel.
After one look at the two old geezers, the madam whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an
inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk that they won't know the difference. I'm not wasting two of my
girls on them.”
The manager does as he is told, and the old guys head upstairs to take care of business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”
“Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”
His friend says, “Could be worse. I think mine was a witch.”
“A witch...? Why the hell would you say that?”
“Well, I was making love to her and kissing her on the neck. When I gave her a little bite, she farted and flew out
the window... Took my teeth with her!”
The Lady and the Horse
A 30-year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts
the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the
blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's
neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately,
her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over.
Moments before she loses consciousness, Frank the Wal-Mart greeter sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say “Hello”.
Exercses for Seniors
You know how important exercise is as we grow older. Here are a few suggestions:
I started by standing outside behind the house with a five pound potato sack in each hand. I extended my arms straight out
to my sides and held them there as long as I could.
After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks. Now I can finally lift a 100 pound potato
sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute.
This week I will try putting a few potatoes IN the sacks. But please, don't overdo at this level.
Old Timer Sex Too funny to be dirty – enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil! What a crazy… good idea!”
A police officer in the next booth hears all this and chuckles to himself, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers
having sex against a fence.” So he follows them.
The elderly couple totters along, leaning on each other and their walking sticks. Finally, they reach the fence. The old
lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. She leans against the fence as the old man moves in. Suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. For almost ten minutes both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He has learned something about life and old age that he never knew.
After a half-hour resting on the ground, they struggle to their feet, put their clothes back on and head back to the tavern.
As they pass the policeman, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic
sex life together. What’s your secret?”
Shaking, the old man can hardly reply. “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
Lessons I Learned from my Mother ENVY – Millions of poor kids in this world don't have wonderful parents like you do. FORESIGHT – Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident. TIME TRAVEL – You straighten up or I'll knock you into the middle of next week! HUMOR – When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me. HYPOCRISY – If I told you once I told you a million times: Don't exaggerate! CIRCLE OF LIFE – I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. CONTORTIONISM – Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck! ESP – Put that sweater on. Don't you think I know when you're cold? IRONY – You keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about. RELIGION – You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet. WEATHER – Your room looks like a tornado went through it. BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION – Stop acting like your father! WISDOM – When you get to be my age you'll understand. STAMINA – You sit there until all that spinach is gone. OSMOSIS – Shut your mouth and eat your supper. ANTICIPATION – Just wait until we get home. GENETICS – You're just like your father. LOGIC – Because I said so, that's why. APPRECIATE WORK – If you're gonna kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning. MEDICAL SCIENCE – Stop crossing your eyes or they’re going to get stuck that way. ROOTS – Shut the door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn? JUSTICE – You'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Eighty-year-old Bride
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady who had just gotten married – for the fourth time. The reporter
asked about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband.
“Why he’s a funeral director,” she replied.
“Interesting,” the reporter replied. “Would you mind telling me a little about your first three husbands?”
She paused for a few moments, reflecting on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, “Well, I married a banker when I was 23. Then I fell for a circus ringmaster and married him when I was 45.
Later in my 60’s I was married to a preacher. Now I’m 80 years old and married to a funeral director.”
She smiled again. “That’s funny, now that I think about it.”
“Oh? Why is that,” asked the reporter.
Chuckling, she explained, “It seems that I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four
to go.”
Boudreaux the Baptist
Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, an older single gentleman who was born and raised
a Baptist and now lived in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison
steak.
Now, Boudreaux’s neighbors were all Catholic and, during Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The
STRONG delicious aroma from the grilled venison caused such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally spoke to
their priest.
The priest came by to visit Boudreaux and suggested that he convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study,
Boudreaux attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled the Holy Water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist and
raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic.”
Boudreaux’s neighbors were greatly relieved. But when Friday night arrived, the wonderful aroma of grilled venison
filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the priest immediately, and as he rushed into Boudreaux’s yard, clutching
a Rosary and prepared to scold him, he was stopped in amazement by what he saw.
There stood Boudreaux clutching a small bottle of Holy Water. As he carefully sprinkled it over the grilling meat, he chanted:
“You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a Catfish.”
Lost at Sea
Patrick and Michael are adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. As Patrick rummages through
the emergency supplies, he finds an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie will appear, he rubs the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie comes forth and announces that he can only deliver one wish, not the usual three. Without thinking,
Patrick blurts out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash. Immediately the entire sea turns into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanishes.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances. Michael
looks disgustedly at Patrick whose wish has been granted.
Long, tension-filled moment.... Then Michael speaks: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
He leaves her a note saying: “Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving
you for an 18-year-old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.”
He then packs his things and goes to the Sheraton.
When he arrives he finds a message from his wife. It reads: “Dear John, I too am 54 years old. I have followed your
example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18-year-old Italian-stallion hunk.
I’m sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
Old Farmer’s Wisdom
Every path has some puddles.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
Teachers, moms and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
The words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal. It just ain't helpful.
Don't wrestle with pigs. You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Lost My Wife
An older man approaches a young woman at the mall. "Excuse me," he says. "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me
for a couple of minutes?"
The young woman feels a bit of compassion for the old fellow. "Certainly, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"Nope. But every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she appears out of nowhere."
Physical Exam
An 83-year-old lady has finished her annual physical examination. "You are in fine shape for your age," her doctor says. "Tell
me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll ask my husband." She goes out to the reception room. "Bob! Do we still have intercourse?"
Bob answers impatiently, "I’ve told you a thousand times. We have Blue Cross!"
Old Folks’ Wisdom
A retired husband is a wife's full time job.
- - - - -
It's hard for me to understand these changing times.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty,
- - - - -
If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.
- - - - -
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- - - - -
Now that I’ve learned to make the most of my life... most of my life is gone.
- - - - -
Beauty is only skin-deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
- - - - -
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Kids are Even Smarter!
Don't you wish you had thought of this?
As a prank, a group of Montana high schoolers let three goats loose in their school after they painted numbers on the sides
of the goats... 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.
A Second Opinion
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.
"Do you know her?” my wife asked,
"Yes," I sighed. "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she has not been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
CROCHET!
The old couple had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They
kept no secrets from each other.
But the old woman kept a shoebox in the top of her closet and had cautioned her husband never to open it or ask about it.
In all of these years he had ignored the box. But she got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to
arrange their affairs, he took down the shoebox and brought it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time for him to know what was in it. Inside, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling
$25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother said the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She said that
if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was moved to tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. In 60 years of living and loving, she had only
been angry with him twice. He almost burst with happiness.
"But what about all of this money?" he asked. "Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "I made that money selling the doilies."
Estate Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he learned that he would inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided to seek a wife with whom to share
his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
True Love
Jerry came down with the flu one day and had to stay home from work. He had never realized just how much his wife loved him.
She was so happy to have him home that each time a mailman or deliveryman arrived she ran outside yelling, “My husband’s
home! My husband’s home!”
Thoughts to Ponder...
When your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep is your downfall.
Women should not have children after 35. Thirty-five children are enough.
Most people are so lazy that they don’t even exercise good judgment!
I thought I had childproofed my house, but somehow they still get in.
The problem with telephones is that
they never nap when you do.
Birds of a feather flock together… and then crap on your car.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
If evolution is outlawed, only the outlaws will evolve.
Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
Voted BEST COMMERCIAL IN EUROPE...
Deep Thoughts to Share with Your Friends
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
For every problem there’s a simple solution. It’s usually wrong.
Many couples marry for better or worse, but not for good.
If people listened to themselves, they would shut up.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Here is further away than you think.
We all live in a yellow subroutine.
I had amnesia once. Or twice.
It's later than it's ever been.
You're trying my infinite patience.
I can resist anything but temptation.
The speed of time is one second per second.
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.
The only thing worse than a sorcerer... is an apprentice.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Even though the moon is smaller than the earth, it's farther away.
TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing can rub it in like a computer.
If all students who sleep in class were laid end to end, they’d be more comfortable.
Plain English
A language professor is lecturing to his English class. "In English, a double negative forms a
positive. And in a few languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Voice from the back of the room: "Yeah, right!"
What Retired People Do all Day
Working people often ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
up town and into a shop. I was only in there about five minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking
ticket.
I said to him, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?” He ignored me and kept writing. I
called him a “Nazi.” He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a “doughnut
eating Gestapo.” He finished the second ticket and started a third. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came uptown on the bus, and the car getting ticketed had a bumper sticker that said “McCain
'08.”
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important to my health, now that I'm retired.
Tithing Pays
Two men crash their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survive.
Fred staggers to his feet, brushes himself off, and then runs around the island to see what chance they have to survive.
Soon he rushes back and yells, “Harry, this island is uninhabited. There’s no food. There’s no water.
We are going to die!”
Harry leans against the wrecked plane with his arms folded. “No we're not," he says. "I make over $250,000 a week.”
Fred grabs Harry and shakes him. “Listen: we’re alone here,” he screams. There’s no food and no
water. We are going to die!”
Harry is unruffled. “No, I make over $250,000 a week.”
Fred is mystified at such an answer. “For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. We are, I repeat, we are going
to die a slow death.”
Calmly, Harry looks Fred in the eyes and says, “Don’t make me say this again: I make over $250,000 per week.
I am a Baptist... and I tithe. MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!”
More Halloween Humor
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver can't stop glancing at her in his mirror. After several
blocks, sister asks him why he's staring, and he replies hesitantly, "I have something to tell you but I'm afraid I'll offend
you."
She answers, "My dear boy, you cannot offend me. As a nun, I get a chance to see and hear just about everything. There's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, it's always been a...a fantasy of mine to have a nun kiss me. Like... like a girlfriend would kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let me see. First, you must be unmarried; and second, you must be a practicing Catholic."
The cab driver excitedly responds, "Yes, yes — I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
After a moment's reflection, the nun says, "Well, all right. Pull into the next alley." He does, and sister fulfills his fantasy.
It's beyond his most fevered expectations.
But when they're back on the road, the cabbie starts to sob. "My dear boy," asked the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I'm married, and I'm a Baptist!"
The nun says quietly, "There, there, it's all right. I am on the way to a Halloween party... and my name is Kevin.
They Also Serve…
One Sunday morning, a pastor noticed a little boy standing in the foyer of the church staring at a large plaque that was covered
with names and had small American flags mounted on either side of it.
“What's this?” he asked as the pastor approached, still focused on the plaque.
“It’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service,” said the pastor.
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. After a long moment, the boy asked, “The 8:30 or the
10:45?
Lone Ranger Reads the Stars
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. Soon their tent is set up and both men are sound asleep. Some hours
later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger.
"Kemo Sabe, look toward sky. What you see?"
"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Chronologically, it seems to be 3:15 am. Astronomically, it tells me there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Theologically,
the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it appears we should have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Tonto?"
"That you dumber than buffalo. It mean someone steal tent."
Getting old, are we?
Reflexes slowing down?
As I recall, the automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is
.75 seconds, or 1 car length for every 10 mph. To check your reaction time... Click
HERE
Cajun Math Test
Marcel, a Cajun man, wants a job but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here is your first question," the foreman says. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Marcel says, "Dat is easy." He proceeds to draw three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says Marcel.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Marcel stares into space for a while, picks up the picture that he just drew and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So it's dirty tree an' dirty tree an' dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's actually going to have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same
rules again, but represent the number 100."
Marcel stares into space some more, picks up the picture again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Marcel leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and poop by each
tree. So now you got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd. Dat make one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
Texas Pride
A recent study found the average Texan walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found the average Texan drinks (including
those who don't drink) 22 gallons of beer per year -- Shiner, of course!
That means, on average, Texans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kinda makes you proud to be a Texan.
Land o’ Goshen!
An old man and his ever-nagging wife were in Jerusalem on vacation when the wife suddenly died. The undertaker told the old
man, “I can ship her body back home for $5,000, or we can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.”
The old man thought about it and decided to ship her home. “Why would you do that?” the undertaker asked. “It
would be so wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend $4,850 less?”
“Well, a long time ago a man died here, and he was buried here,” said the old man, “and three days later
he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
The Ways of the West
Three cowboys are sittin' around the campfire after a hard day of ridin’ and ropin’. After a long silence, one
of them stands up, pulls a bottle out of his pack, drains it all down his throat, tosses the bottle into the air, draws his
six-shooter and blasts it to bits. “Ah’m frum Texis,” he drawls, “an’ in Texis, we got awl
th’ tequila we WAWNT!”
After a while, another cowboy stands up, pulls a bottle out of a suede pouch, removes the cork, drinks it all down, tosses
the bottle into the air, draws his pearl-handled revolver and shatters the bottle. “I’m from California,”
he announces, “and in California we have all the Chardonnay we WANT!”
Finally, the third cowboy gets up, pulls out a can of Rainier Beer, pops the tab, drinks it all, drops the can on the ground
and crushes it, picks it up, drops it in the recycling bin, draws his gun, shoots the guy with the Chardonnay and says, “I’m
from Warshington, and in Warshington we’ve got all the Californians we WANT!”
How to Clean the Toilet 1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and
put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will
self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".
5. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
6. Standing behind the toilet as far as possible, quickly lift both lids.
7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, run outside and dry off. Both the toilet and the cat are now sparkling clean!
Sincerely,
The Dog
The Knob
A lady in her late 40's goes to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor tells her about a new procedure called "The Knob"
in which a small knob is implanted in the back of her head that she can turn to tighten the skin and produce the effect of
a brand new face lift forever. Of course the woman wants "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman goes back to see the surgeon. "All these years everything has worked just fine. I've had to
turn the knob on lots of occasions, and I've loved the results.
“But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob
won't get rid of them."
The doctor looks at her and says, "Those aren't bags. Those are your breasts."
"Oh!” she replies. “Well… I guess that explains the goatee."
How to Stretch Your Pension
A couple, both age 76, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor is puzzled, but agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "Everything you are doing looks fine to me," and charges them $50. This happens
several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, makes love with no problems, pays the doctor, and then leaves.
Finally, the doctor asks, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we
can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. When we do it here it costs $50 and I get $43
back from Medicare."
The Hardware Store
Earl is fixing a door and finds that he needs a new hinge, so he sends his wife, Mary, to the hardware store.
At the store, Mary is waiting for Carl, the manager, when she spies a beautiful teapot on a top shelf. Carl finally comes
over and Mary asks, "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replies, "Oh, that's silver and it costs $300."
"My goodness! That sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaims. Then she proceeds to describe the hinge that Earl sent her to buy,
and Carl goes to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yells, "Mary, you want a screw for that hinge?"
Mary replies, "No… But I will for the teapot!"
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
Caution: Slow Driver
Earline calls Bubba on his cell phone. "Hey, sweetie! You be careful. Some idiot's out on the freeway drivin' the wrong way."
"Some idiot?" Bubba screams. "Hell, they's hunnerds of 'em!"
Culture Wars
A simple shepherd is out tending his flock. Suddenly a cloud of dust races up the hillside and skids to a stop in front of
him. As the dust clears, a handsome gentleman steps out of a luxury SUV. He wears a gorgeous hand-tailored suit and Italian
shoes and has a cell phone in one hand and a Blackberry in the other.
"Good morning," he says. "If I can tell you the exact number of sheep in your flock, will you give me one?"
"Uhh... OK," says the puzzled shepherd.
The gentleman activates his Blackberry, accesses a NASA satellite and downloads a realtime photo of the flock. A scanning
program quickly counts the sheep and displays the total. In less than a minute he announces, "You have 437 sheep."
"Well, that's exactly right," says the shepherd. The gentleman picks one up and heads for his SUV.
"Wait just a minute!" the shepherd says. "If I can guess your profession, may I have my animal back?"
"Well, sure," chuckles the gentleman. "Go ahead."
"You, sir, are a consultant!" announces the shepherd.
"Woah! You're right!" The gentleman is amazed. "How did you know that?"
"It is obvious. You appear unannounced and uninvited. You expect me to pay you for telling me something I already know. And
you have no idea what you are talking about. Now... give me back my sheepdog?"
Husbands & Wives
Mark, a loving husband, is in trouble. He has forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife is really upset with him.
She tells him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds... AND
IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Mark gets up really early before work.
When his wife wakes up a couple of hours later, she looks out the window and sure enough, a small gift-wrapped box is sitting
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she puts on her robe, runs out to the driveway and takes the box into the house.
She opens it and finds a brand new bathroom scale.
